Detfan4life,
thanks, you got the point: i do not deserve help. not real help to live anyway, just a little bit to survive... and thats my choice. but when i see that even that... surviving, i struggle with it, then i ask for help and its when i see that it all falls down to pieces and the help i get to have is the bare minimum (because of me probably) and i struggle so much to just live a second more. could be wrong but i have my reasons for doing it this way. which is why then i dont feel i can ask for help.... am i making any sense here?
Last time i saw my good T, i gave him TONS of material (taken from posts too), but we get to see each other only just before xmas (my choice, dont have money!). other docs and Ts are doing their best, their job, but its all in pieces.... so im getting what i want actually and even complain about it, but NOW... im just trying to survive.... not go crazy and get hospitalized because it happened before. i dont want that anymore.

Thunder Bow, im "working" (part time, horribly paid) and attending a course trying to get a better job (more money) just to survive in this case this too. living with parents, a couple of friends i dont feel like seeing anymore because im TOO tired.... only my 2 cats are the joy and highlight of my day. docs and t sessions are actually the only thing i care about right now.

Winter4me, i feel forced to do what im doing just to earn a little bit of money to survive. nothing i do gives me pleasure. i have doc and T on monday and tuesday. it could be helpful but actually its opening up to them that threw me in this mess and even though a part of me wants to see them, the other knows that theres nothing they can do to help me. I consider myself calm and non-anxious too!

anyway, thanks for talking with me, its helping me keeping my head out of the water and its a lot. not going grazy is a huge thing for me. thank you. i'll probably go to sleep soon. i wish i could sleep the wekend off or just about forever.... thanks all, takecare.
Love