StormieKnight,
thanks, it was nice to read your answer. sorry you're struggling yourself, not feeling good enough to help, but i wish you the best. i have already contacted anyone i could think of that could help me. i open up in different ways with them accordingly to who they are and what they can do, but opening up so much is what caused me this turmoil, i guess. i have already tried being inpatient and thats exactly why im turning to here, to get some help to not end up there again. but thanks for taking me seriously, i often feel like i dont even exist or my feelings and thought dont exist, so its nice to feel validated when i do express hem. thank you.

Cinnamonstick, i actually fell asleep under that desk. i've been having worse insomnia for months and with all that im doing every day im physically and emotionally and psychologically exhausted. i got home, now im replying to you kind people who took the time to answer my post and then im going to bed hoping to sleep off the whole weekend. and more...

Winter4me, i just couldnt lift a finger anymore. i fell asleep not caring if anyone could have come and seen me sleeping on the floor while i was supposed to work. the only thing i want to do is sleep now. i tried to explain in my other post why i dont deserve help, but im still grateful to you all who are kindly and selflessly and unconditionally giving it to me. it moves me, thanks.

Daphnelover, sorry you too feel this bad most days too. its such a struggle. i rationally agree about hope but at the moment i cant see any for myself. thanks for your kindness and availability. i'll try to PM you tomorrow.

Wish you all the best, thanks for being so kind,
takecare you all, Love