Getting a new therapist. I have posted before about how mine is now treating both me and my ex husband and I was torn because this man essentially saved my life once by driving me to the hospital when I was really bad but too afraid to have an ambulance drive me. So I felt a sense of loyalty, and a sense of it just being too hard to start over with someone.

Two weeks ago I was swirling the drain and really felt like I needed someone and my therapist was the LAST person I wanted to speak with. I felt that he wouldn't have been helpful and I didn't quite trust him anymore. The last straw was that I have had to reschedule a couple of appointments because I was scheduled to work and he didn't call me back. He still hasn't. I called, and emailed and nothing. So I took the opportunity to find someone new.

I white knuckled through my tough spot a couple of weeks ago and I feel that I have recovered quite a bit, but I am left with the feeling that I am empty and unable to create the joyful, hopeful life I was once crafting. The every day is the mundane, and I don't feel a sense of hope.

In fact, the reason I want to start anew with someone is that I have the recurring thought that I will just white knuckle it through until my kids are grown and then I will be free to die.

That says to me that although I am not actively suicidal, that I do have thoughts of death as my ultimate escape from the empty and lonely feelings I am having.

Somewhere inside of me there is a tiny piece that knows that is irrational and that there must be something better out there. I feel that starting anew with someone can help me. I want to be reassessed and given a proper and thoughtful diagnosis. I have often thought that the diagnosis I received may not be accurate because it was offered after a five minute meeting with a prescriber who called herself a therapist. She handed me samples of about 9 medications and said to give them a try. I dropped her pretty quickly after I became violently ill and couldn't reach her in my emergency. (bad med reaction, possibly an allergy) I walked into the next doctor's office and told him that I had bipolar, and he didn't put any work into the diagnosis, but just began treating me, leading me into a bad spiral of med reactions and allergic reactions/ side effects. I have been med free for two years now and have had a few blips, so I know that there is something wrong, and I want help for it, but I want to know what is really going on in that brain of mine.

Anyway, I wanted to check in because it has been far too long since I have spoken with all of you!