Hi, I'm new in this part of the forum, and this is probably not what you thought I was asking.

I have made, idk about 60,70 shallow cuts inside of my forearm with a clean cutter knife up until this point, I been doing this to myself for the past 3 days or so. It looks now like a tiny amount of strawberry jam got smeared and it got dry.

I don't want to do anything to lose the function of my arm or a hand, I don't think I can just go out and buy those strip thingy or a medical glue for a deep cut, I just don't know much about the anatomy of my arm.

I want to do more than this amature horizontal cuts and hoping to get something more long lasting with a bit more red painting from my skin tissue. I have no problem with blood coagulation, if I get more precise, can I hit the vein safely?

What about this visibly pulsating point on my wrist? Is it to be avoided if I don't want to injure too seriously?

I know that I shouldn't just dive in and try out new methods. Everyday, the urge is there and I make up this stupid rules to follow so I can cut and the number of cuts are limited.

I am trying to pace myself, I do other work and thinking, I try to tackle the source of the problems and I get more upset, I need to cope with my current situation this way.

I don't think about why, I just can't. I've thought about it and that just makes me laugh and I think to myself, how can I fill this part of my skin with my red ink? All of it, from an elbow to my wrist.

I'm done with pencil drawings.

I have two more reasons(persons) in my head to do more damage. If yesterday was any indication, I don't follow my own rule in a strict sense, meaning some emotions cause me to add some extra strokes.

It is just too confusing and complicated to explain it all.

I just can't start doing this whenever I feel like. I want them to really count if you know what I mean.

I go clear my head, thanks for reading.

(Btw, I'm still attached to this damned reality of mine. If you don't want yours to cross over to mine, please just forget what you've just read.)

Edited to add:

There's no way for anyone here to help me the way I want, right?

Rules. Yours can and should stay for a good reason. Mine on the other hand could change at will, almost did. It did for a few seconds 'cos I can't seem to listen to my good senses sometimes.

Just think of this as my first introduction here, so you won't get yourself in trouble. I can't say with certainty how much of a danger I am to myself right now or the next second. I don't consider myself of as...anything at all..