Today I am depressed. It started yesterday – the fatigue, the extreme irritability. I just thought I was crabby, but then I woke up this morning and my old friend, Depression, was lying in bed next to me. I got up and took care of the dog and cat (as I always do despite my moods). Then I went back to bed. I woke up around 7. Got out of bed at 10 so I could eat something and take my antidepressants. I wanted to go back to bed but i knew i couldn’t. I have to be strong for my girlfriend.
So what is this depression I speak of? It is not sadness. It is hopelessness. Everything becomes hopeless – relationships, cleaning my room, college I may never finish. And it is this enormous weight. It took me a few hours from the time I woke up to trudge out of bed and walk to the kitchen because I needed that much time to muster the strength to move.
There is this elephant sitting on my chest trying to squish me into not breathing.
I’m so tired. Exhausted.
I don’t want to talk because no one really understands and also because it’s too hard to move my mouth to speak. My tongue is an anvil.
And I am not cute. No, sir. I look like I’ve come down with the flu. Dark circles under my tired eyes. In this moment, I don’t want to be me. I don’t want to feel like gravity has a special effect on me causing movement to feel like running through molasses.
I can imagine nothing that will lift this weight but time. Perhaps tomorrow I will wake up normal again.