It's all giberrish

The company I work for is trying to force this old guy out by giving him ultimatum. I heard that today and this is like the third time I've heard story like that after my employment there. He'll have no choice but to quit, and this is relevant to my situation. The reason and the tactics are dirty. The old guy and I had a huge argument before, my heart got broken, I was ready to quit back then. I hated him for giving me the hard time with no good reasons, My boss heard my story, I was on the verge of breakdown, things went the way I wanted, I got saved.

I heard this from the other old coworker of mine, he told me not to tell anyone so my hands are tied. Are you following me here? I didn't like the guy, almost hated him, he's a cranky old bastard who can't be reasoned with. But I really wanted to stop the company from what it's doing to the old man, it isn't fair. The reason for the company wanting to fire him is just because he is old. The company just wants to keep its hands clean, and the company in this case, to me it looks like my boss himself alone. CEO don't sound like a real man either, I've never met him, he just inherited the business from his father, these are the words from a guy I still have a great respect for.

Would you keep working in a company where higher up are deceitful and manipulative? The work itself is good for the environment, just the way I like it. Probably I'm one of the rare bleed there to take the environment issue seriously, maybe.

Anyhow, I started thinking how a bad person make their decisions, and came to a conclusion that it turned out to be the same process as I do, by using freedom. I exercise that freedom, I try to take responsibilities for my actions. Even a little things I said to someone matters to me. It should hurt no one, so the other day, I was rude to a shop person, I went back there the next day, dropped an apology letter, I say stupid things in a bad manner, when I know that I did wrong, I follow up on them and fix 'em.

I release bugs and insects if they wonder into my space back to the wild, maybe with an exception of roaches. They'll take over us if I don't kill some of them.

I worked hard on myself and I believe that If I saw wrong doing out there in public, I know I can do what a man should do.

I'm gonna just stop tryna explain it myself. Hold on.

'I want to move out of america' thread in genral social chat forum.

It was really good read, you see how people are like now in our time. People are like the same over here too, that's what I think. Plus, they like rules and following it, just because the rules saids so. Who made the rule and why it's there don't seem to be any of their concern most of the time. Without questioning and challenging, things don't progress, I don't vote so I'm an ignorant person, I am a hypocrite. Still.. Ignorance sometimes seem as bad as, say spitting out a rude remarks with an intention of harming others.

Cultural differences aside, I guess people sometimes say "He/she did good for him/herself." If it was about financial success, well, that's good for them. What are they like?

Words hurt. Especially when they were talked behind your back. Faceless enemy or an entity. People get hurt, that's it? Where are they coming from in our everyday life? HOw is it born?

I'm no saint, I must've hurt many people during my life time, I try to avoid it. Am I just really over sensitive to what I hear? It was just devastatingly shocking to realize that the process that I was using was in place for other human beings as well. Almost hopeless for me and for the world out there.

I don't watch news 'cos I don't wanna be bombarded with bad peoples behaviors, if someone dropped bomb on me and die, I don't care. I don't want the hate in me.

My workplace, this whole world don't seem right for me. Everybody's for themselves. I don't even wanna act like them, I resent normal. It is not benefitting mankind, ppl might counter argue that we do lots of great things.

I can't explain it all, ordinary ppl, you could say that they are not so bad, I'm just not sure. Oh, you have kids!....I hear these people do parents talks, parenting looks nice,,y'all look nice,,,,

I feel that I'm punishable by their standards. And I see a huge gap between what they think are important and mine. This is not devaluing myself, hating myself, not being good enough, etc. I was on another site, reading about an explanation of self injury.

It's on 'helpguide.org' cutting-and-self-harm.htm

I was reading, comparing it to my actions, and said, no, no, no, hell no.

Emptiness, self-loathing, sadness. **** no, I done that years and years ago. I'm just so sick tired of where I am, where I can't escape from. People never shoud go seek another intelligent life form, we're too harmful to the others, what if the astronaut had a hidden depression? (Don't think too much, it's just one of the craziness that fell out of my head.)

This world is just too crazy, and the world defines me, if I wanna function there,,,I just can't. Too late, I can't support myself financially, to keep everything to my own head, why would I wanna keep going, criminal justice system, our government, any institutions we have here on earth, our educational system, what the **** ever are going to get sucked into this hopeless direction, merged, blended, twisted and shaken, if ya not thinking at all other than yourself, you'd have no idea how serious this all feels to me right now.

This ****ing website, anything and everything that's told to general public, who gets what right? If we were such a good team player, people wouldn't suck so much.

'We are the 99%'

I know too little, I want to read about this. 99% out of what? The whole planet's population? They made it up, didn't they? Sure it's catchy, the number don't mean much to me, what do they really care?

It doesn't really matter how I think of people. I don't get the truth because I have been lazy my whole life. Now I'm stuck in this economic servitude, I can't make myself real useful. I never cared about world politics and I can't do anything about refugees dying somewhere. Ppl starving and dying everyday, I'm not talking about the homeless, somewhere on this planet, half the country goes hungry, and I feel useless, worthless, beyond worthless.

When I was looking at my own scars, I was thinking about real slaves, whiplashes and did any of them got over the trauma? Where's the ****ing progress, man, I don't see it. All I see is drones and clones and dictators and kings alike. Money grabbing ***********.

Where I work, there are a lot of part time workers. There are ton of rules for them, some of them are unfair, idk, everybody blindly follow them, because things are how they are, that's how things gets done around here that's what they say.

It's just so creepy, looking at workers everywhere, insane devotion to a faceless company, you give up the time of your life, they decide your worth and value.

My life, I decide what I do with it. I don't want to be manipulated into somewhere something I woudln't want. On a personal level, I'm capable of taking a liking into someone, but I don't want that, I don't need any distractions.

Human mind is tricky, we see patterns and sometimes see what's not really there.

I heard someone crying out side of my window, I looked out, couldn't find anyone and the crying stopped. It's raining outside I can hear it. It's 2:30, I'm on third cup of coffee, no time to sleep on any of these thoughts.

Everything's okay, feeling carefree to utter hopelessness in a matter of hours. I still trust my mind 100%. However I feel during the day, I could end it all. Not for the hate for myself or inadequate self, I'm just so so sick of everything. It can end, I'm just a whiner, I just want this bad dream, ****ing nightmarishingly boring program to end. How could this be? So much history and so many smart ppl are out there and what do I see? This is not about me getting the facts right or knowing so so little, it's just strange. If I could, I want myself a time trip into the future. Past is fine too, anywhere but here in this time and space.

ETA:

I really didn't wanna do this tonight, this thinking was too much. I got 2 more working days ahead, maybe I could lie down,,trying not to sleep 'cos there's no time for that.

I may sound angry or whatever, I don't know what this is. and I'm not a good person because on a hypothetical situation like if I were married to a most beautiful woman in the world being in love and ****, telling me that I'm precious bla bla bla, ,,I would not give a **** ppl are suffering right this moment, millions, billions of are suffering, on the blink, it's so so ****ed up, and we are keep ****ing up 'cos we are busy doing what we are doing, we don't stop and think, that's not how the world works. If my mother were to tell me again, have you tried? What are you gonna do?

I was chewing gum at work, was I careless, lacked common sense? Maybe and it's easy to fix. I don't mind. I was just alone, work alone, seeing/feeling beauty and joy all the time, they were real at the time. And me today, past few days like this. If I saw some bloodsucker talking about parenting, that would looked to me doubly bad thing, 'cos the parent him/herself is bad and passing it on to the next generation. Let's just say that this is real me, guilty, I plead guilty, lethal injection please!

I don't really think of ppl that bad, it's all speculation, I don't do that. I can't do any good , no good. Not because of anyone, but myself.

My head hear things, read things and my head go kaboom, like adding nitro into a gas tank. I even start to doubt myself in a moment like this, processing things a little faster but taking it into a wrong directions and I go off course.

Am I posting this? Why? So you think to yourself that your a bit less crazier than I. Your a good person. And of course this is for myself too. I can't go to work with these whatever this is filled in my head.

To be continued.