I would like a sleeping pill right now that's made out of advanced technology. You pop the pill and ,,you get like 5,6 hrs sleep to your brain, but you don't really get the sleep in real time, d'you get it? Wouldn't it be nice?

I didn't come back here to just add more nonsense on top of the previous nonsense.

A total stranger who offered some help. I am oh so grateful of the words of...wisdom he/she has given to me. I have been trying to be like that all year this year. Not only this year, I don't have any wisdom to give out but I can help anybody with baggage or stand up and let someone sit in the spot on the public transport. You need to read the aformentioned forum post to understand this. People suck everywhere on this planet I suppose. Giving someone a wrong direction just for fun? After having become the person that I am, I can't ****ing stand that kinda behavior from anyone, If I were in that kinda situation, I wouldn't know what I would do, I'd get so pissed, even the wrong direction were given to some other person, if you were the fellow country man, you have the every right to bite his head off. Just no physical violence, don't you agree?

I so agree with this statement, I'm quoating it without permission. Anyhow, to conclude this today's posting,

To my friend, I'll try to do my best to adhear to your advice. And be good.

I feel so conflicted though. I'm not sure how this sleeplessness will affect me today. I was crying a bit at work yesterday, I'm so unstable, and alone, I don't trust myself. It's safer to try to find more good stuff here and hold on to those words. The quotes thread in general social chat was a tad bit dissapointing to be honest. Bukowski's quote was good, I heard it before.

I really gotta change the course or I'd be showing some spectacles to poor souls out there,

oh **** **** ****, you have no idea how bad this is in my head, I already cleaned up my **** at the workplace being ready to leave any time, plus in my own head, while I was slashing, I was cutting ppl off with all of my liking/love for them. I wasn't even counting the ppl from the past, anything and anyone important can still be an excuses to ,,y'know..it just starts when it does. My alarm went off already, time to hit the shower and get ready. I can't promise and I'm out of time,,,,,,,

One possibility, that I hope would not happen:

I'll be at my desk at work, crying and sobbing and cutting into my arm, someone witness it and report my *** to security or police who knows, it's sunday, my boss won't be reachable I guess. What would happen after that?

This don't change anything but, one of the reason why I started this is I always wanted to do that, that simple. I was having disturbing thought yesterday, like I used to want a quiet and quick and painless death, but now, I wanna see. I want myself to see whatever I could humanly possible to see, in an extreme mental state, something unusual, so, long painful suicide,, it's 4:44 am. and 4 means death phonetically in japanese. Creepy huh?

helpguide.org's explanation and me, there's no secret, ****! self-loathing? I loathe this type of ariticles, they don't know ****. Really pisses me off, when feeling distressed like this, so unhelpful and if my family, if I had nearby and read this, try to help me, that's not gonna work.

When I come here, I don't do enough helping, I want to but I can't do enough knowing the person first. It'll never be complete plus, I'm not good at talking with ppl.

The window was open, I'm so forgetful, losing attention, agitated. Brewing new pot of coffee though.

Back to that website, it's on my kindle and I'm looking at it now, I don't trust it, man, those pictures, they are just mocking me. ****. I don't know, I didn't check who wrote the article, if you like it, that's your business. Thank you thank you thank U, my friend, I needed that instant feedback, I feel lucky that you were there. Sometimes you go search and search on the internet and you get lost, I don't want that and don't do it anymore.

Coffee with a smoke and then shower. cutting or no cutting, it don't matter, it's a matter of holding it together for the whole shift, one long *** 12hrs shift today hopefully without an incident.

I need the shower but I don't wanna look at my scars. I was staring at it a few minutes ago though. This fast switching of mental state is ****ing annoying but that's all I am now. Nothing helps but my own will.