OMG Don't, there are places in your text that say triggers and I pressed on one and read about your cat. Sounds Like you hold things like I do and never forget. I have things that I have done that haunt me and I wish I could tell you how to get over them. It is difficult. But we have done what we have done and just have to try to forget and never let those type of things happen again. I am beyond an animal lover. I think some of the best people I have ever known have been cats and dogs, if that makes sense to you.
I also read other things you wrote about hurting defenseless creatures. I think you know I think that is awful. It is worse than awful and it will never ever ever make you feel better or help you in any way! It will just give you more to regret and dislike yourself over! I hope you realize this!