Quote:
Originally Posted by phénix_zzz
I need to say this somewhere because I believe keeping secrets is dangerous. I purged the other day. I didn't want to and it's been over a year since doing that on purpose. But last Thursday night I definitely purged. It's related to the other thing I'm not talking about... skipping meals. I am bored with my regular foods and have zero interest in expanding my repertoire of cooking right now.
Old thoughts are dancing around my head. Lose weight. Stop being fat. It's winter soon so no one would notice if you lost weight. It'd be so easy to hide. Honestly, since a break-up not too long ago, thoughts are more and more frequent. Old thoughts... "no one is crazy enough to love someone as ****ed up as you" ... they are spinning around. It's a breeding ground for my ED.
Trying to fight back. Increasing exercise as it grounds me in my body, in my strength, in what my body can do when nourished. Increasing meditation and meetings (I'm in EDA). I've come too far to mess up now. I can look past one slip and a few missed meals. I've been "in recovery" for a solid year. There is no going back. And yet... maybe for just a few pounds??? I hate my head sometimes. It is far sicker than I wish.
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Sounds really hard atm! Please don't let yourself cave into the thoughts in your head, the fact they are happening is a big deal and you really would benefit from speaking to someone about them even if it's just to get them out of your head.
And spoken from experience; it being winter, maybe others wouldn't notice as easily if you did drop weight but you would! It's cold enough without landing yourself in weight-loss-freezing-hell because your body weight has dropped and your body has reacted by slowing itself down to sustain itself; trust me, once bitten, twice shy, I only have to miss one meal and I'm so slowed down I must drop temperature by a couple of degrees, it's not going to be a defining reason why you shouldn't focus on weight loss but if you did ever need a reason as to why it isn't a good idea, just remember how cold it actually gets when you lose too much weight- and that there is never a "I only want to lose 5 pounds" it always, always will go further than that because it always always feels too "good" to stop. And if it didn't feel this way, you'd not be thinking about doing it to self-medicate your depression like this.