Amandalouise,
sorry, i think i didnt see your post because i was writing my answer at the same time and only now i read it. forgive me. hearing you say those things about my situation both worried me and relieved me. sometimes i feel its all in my mind and i make it all up. yes, i was laying down there under my desk and even fell asleep. i know had anyone seen me would have been worried or even mad at me. but in that moment i couldnt care less. i even heard the door open but i didnt move. thankfully nobody saw me. im taking this weekend to get myself a total rest from everything to get some energies back. i dont want docs to know whats happening. i'll probably only tell my good T in december when i see him.

StormieKnight, yes, i may need to go inpatient now but thats the worst thing i can imagine at the moment, so im doing all i can to not end up there. but its very stressing to keep pretending. i see therapists but im afraid of telling them the truth so i wont say this to any of them.

PianogirlPlays, thanks for your support too!

One more day of resting today. i hope it will be enough to keep me going next week. i'll see two different Ts: 1) tomorrow i see a T (for the first time) for a consult regarding my diagnosis (which nobody ever told me anything about) to make her give her opinion on my diagnosis to another T with which i work on a phobia only. and 2) on tuesday i see a T from mental health services that i've spoken to for no more than 5 times this year (and never before) to talk about meds and my old medical records (that i find completely wrong).

thanks for listening. i know probably nobody could care less because everyone here has their own issues, but thanks for talking with me and reading and answering, its helping a lot and i wish i could give you all something back. for now just a huge thank you! and wish you the best. Love