Hello,

I'm sorry for all you've been going through. My father had his last spinal surgery about 10 years ago, so I know more or less how awful this all is.

May I share a bit of my father's story with you?

He had his first spinal surgery when he was still in his mid 20's (he's in his 70's now).

This botched first operation left him with permanent injuries and since then he was left with kind of a foot problem (I wouldn't know how to describe it properly), as he couldn't move his right foot up. Fortunately in that case, he could still move his right foot down, so he could still drive a car.

He was in and out the hospital several times over the years, to get some physio done in order to relieve pain, put herniated discs back into place, etc. He never wanted to admit that he was then "disabled", so he would never turn down a chance to lift up heavy things and totally disregard his condition.

This caused more and more damage to his spine as years went by. A bit of physio and some self medication would fix things up for a while, then he was ready again for more spine neglecting antics.

Fast forwarding to 10 years ago or so, when he was nearing his 60's, his spine had had enough of abuse. That was the first time I've ever seen him cry.

He had written off the L1, L3 and also the S2, which was the offending party that result in his very first back surgery decades ago. Now this last surgery left him in a wheelchair.

He was never a loving or kind person to me, and him and my mother were constantly fighting. I don't know how much of his very first spinal operation is to blame for that bad behaviour. Not much I think, judging by the stories he would tell me from when he was a child and then as a teenager, all the bad things he'd done.

But after his second operation things went from bad to worse.

His relationship with my mother was always unsustainable at its best, and had now become impossible. Still, my mother did not leave (even though I wish she did), saying that she "had a purpose to fulfill" and other excuses like that.

Well, that's about it. I thought I could share this with you, because you and my father have the spine problem in common, and I know that affected him a very bad way and left him permanently scarred inside and out.

As for your relationship with your wife, well, I suppose you did everything you could to try and fix it.

It must be pretty hard for her to make sense of things, and I believe the experience was as upsetting and traumatic for her as it was for you.

I'm sorry I don't have the answers to your questions, but I hope you can find what you're looking for.