Quote:
Originally Posted by ennui.
it's like taking a hammer to my self-esteem and smashing it to pieces, and then continuing to smash it long after the pieces are ground to dust. i don't know why these feelings come up suddenly out of the blue. i've always hated myself, but sometimes i just get hit by this intense wave of self-loathing, in which i want to do away with myself
and i don't know how i'm supposed to get through these 'waves' anymore. they're unpredictable, they leave me drained and depressed, and while they're happening they overwhelm my thoughts and emotions completely, like they become the only thing that exists. i get embarrassed of myself for no clear reason, but the feelings of shame are very real, and they make me not want to see anybody. i feel like people can see my failures without even knowing me or having talked to me... like i'm wearing it on a shirt; ugly, stupid, dropout, virgin, cutter, awkward, unemployed, depressed. i feel like i fail at life and i am onlyMost.
i'm so tired of hating myself, but i feel like i have no reason to love myself.
i've been to many therapists and none of them could help me. i don't have a therapist right now, and i don't plan on seeing one. i'll only get told the same things that never work. i'll get told to show 'compassion' to myself, like i am some baby.
all the effort i've put into bettering myself has been negated... i gained back the weight i lost. my skin broke out again. i've been eating carelessly and not showering. i want to die. i hate myself. i'm ugly and fat and no one could ever love me, not myself, not anyone else. i'll never attract a mate, and for a young woman that is pathetic and shameful, absolutely unforgivable. might as well kill myself
all my problems are not real. i'm not depressed, just lazy. i don't have an eating disorder, i'm just a mouth-stuffing fatty who can't restrict for longer than a week until she binges and gains everything back. i don't have anxiety, i'm just a coward who makes excuses to get out of doing things and going places.
i don't think i can live like this much longer. i have nobody helping me - not my parents, not my family, i don't have any friends, no boyfriend... i'm alone. ain't that how it's always been though?... |
Ok - first, I want to tell you: you are not alone. Counselors suck for the most part, it is very hard to find one that actually cares enough to listen AND gives good advice. Most of what you said I can relate to quite a lot.
You said:
You hate yourself - I truly cannot count the times I do that, sometimes I think I do that more than I don't (and I am 41)
You are a "fatty" - I am 215 pounds at 5 foot 5 inches and have not been below 175 pounds since I was 25.
You have been told you have no eating disorder - they say my over-eating is caused by my depression and low self esteem issues.
You are a "cutter" - I carved myself up until about 8yrs ago.
You are ugly - I see myself exactly the same way and have ever since I was a teenager.
You are stupid - I think that about myself almost as often as I hate myself.
You are awkward - as much as this sounds cliche, that's something I think we all go through, some for longer periods than others - I went through it til I was about 22
You are a virgin - celebrate that fact, that is nothing to be ashamed of, I wish I had waited longer than I did
Unemployed - I am on disability
Drop out - If you want you can get a GED
Ashamed of yourself - I have many reasons to feel that as well
Nobody to help you through this - I have no real life friends, counselors offer no real help, family has turned their back on me, I am married but he doesn't know what to do either
Never had anyone to help you - nobody would even listen to me for 18yrs when I asked for help they kept telling me I didn't need it
I tell you all this not to try to diminish what you are going through, but rather to let you know - you only have to be alone if that's what you really want. There are a few things I have learned during my lifetime.
- You are always going to feel alone unless you are among like-minded people. (If you want to talk about religion, you need to not be the only one of your religion in a crowded room but rather be in a room full of people in your same religion. If you want to talk politics, you don't want to be the only democrat in a room full of republicans - but rather a democrat in a room full of democrats.) If you are the "odd man out, you will find yourself feeling "alone in a crowded room".
- The only person you can count on to be there for you is you. There is a simple reason for this: the only person's actions or reactions (including feelings and emotions) you can control is your own - the second you start worrying about what others think or do or feel is the second you allow them to take your happiness away (and thus you are being unfair to yourself by giving up a part of control of your life to someone else - nobody should control that except you)
- having compassion for yourself isn't showing weakness, it's showing an inner strength very few possess. How do I know so few possess it? If more had it, they would understand the need and reasons to treat each other with more compassion. Compassion is simply developing an understanding within yourself of what you have done and why you did it and then accepting it without judgement. That takes strength - people naturally judge, so no to ask you to show compassion for yourself, though a tired expression, is not a request for an act of weakness. My suggestion is even if you think your counselor was half-hearted about it or even didn't mean it at all - do it anyway, or learn to do it.
- Maturity doesn't come with age, people will not treat you better just because they are older and should know better.
Now if you want ideas on how to deal with these issues, I can give you a few of those too if you like but on another post-because this one is growing long
I do wish you well and hope this helps you *hugs*