Hi rgoldst2,

I'm really sorry you feel so desperate. Well done not cutting for as long as you have.
If you can't tell your healthcare workers, I urge you to phone your local suicide or similar helpline. They can't send you to hospital if they don't know who you are, also, if you can't talk, they will probably stay with you as long as you need.
In uk we have the Samaritans and they really helped me when I was 'not telling' my support worker. They are always there and will stay with me as long as I need even while I can't talk and they never think you're not worthy. They always want to give support.

I hope you can reach out while you feel so very very low.

Sending hugs and care with these inadequate words.