Your responses have opened my eyes, but it keeps coming back to me.
So now I am thinking about this whole thing again.
I realized I don't really isolate myself, it is quite the opposite. I actually tried to reach out to my friends over the last couple of months and some responded in ways that left me pretty crushed. I had to admit that I feel used by some of them and it breaks my heart. I tried to talk about it, but somehow the people I gave most to (attention, help with stuff, friendship) refused to give me anything when I really needed them and they started blaming it all on me. Does that make sense at all? It is just so hard to put into words.
I feel guilty for even asking them to be there for me, one told me I was a bad friend because I had some pretty bad relationship drama to deal with and didn't "focus on her enough" or something even though I helped her with stuff, tried to call her pretty often and she always turned me down for activities... One shut me down completely and wouldn't talk to me anymore and also wouldn't tell me what I had done wrong when I tried to call her several times, and the third gave me an impression of "I would love to be there for you, but I would rather hang out with my cooler friends" - Seriously, we are not in high school anymore. I just don't get it.
Now I do have some friends left who I feel comfortable with, they are just very busy and live far away and I am so scared that they might also turn away from me.
Please don't get me wrong, I didn't pull any crap on any of them, other than dealing with some pretty hard things in my own life. I have always cared for my friends, explained and been open and honest. I don't get what is so wrong about wanting a little reassurance back or why they had to make me feel guilty about stuff that was hard for me in the first place. Now I don't know how to deal with them anymore.
I decided I might become a little more selfish after all...
Peace and love.