If you go to my profile page you can get a short run down of my life, just incase any of you want some more background.
Let me just say before I write what happened that when I left my abusive Father I knew deep down that running to my Mother would not be my saving grace. She was abusive to me in her own way, not hitting like my Father or mental torment but she made me always feel like nothing I did was good enough, that people would leave me at the drop of a hat.
Recently I was reminded why she is still no good for me. I still live with her, due to low income and her being a control freak who refuses to make me feel like I can ever do anything.
I don't know how it happened really. But she wanted help with her laptop in sending a message. In a way my Mother is like a two year old, she asks for help but then says she wants to do it herself, so then you end up standing around with her watching her do things that you could show her how to do but she doesn't want your help anymore. She kept talking and asking how to send the message and wouldn't let me talk so I spoke a little louder to talk over her and that pretty much set her off.
She yelled at me so I left the room. She then continued to demand that I help her only for her to get more and more annoyed that I was trying to help her. In the end I ended up in my room with my dresser against the door. She broke down my door and my dresser just so she could back me into a corner and yell at me.
Now this really sent me back to memories of how my Father treated me. When he would yell at me and hit me I was freeze and just take the punishment because the less I fought back the sooner it would be over with. So here I was again in the same situation but with my Mother. I was really scared. I think logically I didn't think she would hurt me but the yelling I could take. In the end I just kept saying I was sorry and that it was my fault and I was bad.
Thing is about my Mom she can't say she's sorry, either she is right or you're both wrong. Everything is about her. And because she had made me cry and shake none stop she took this like I was trying to make her into the bad guy. Basically she kept asking things like,
"Why are you shaking I didn't do anything to you!"
"Stop it!"
"What are you doing? Why are you crying?"
Just things like that. It really made me realize that no matter how many times I've told my Mother that all the things my Father did messed me up she will never understand. She lives in this weird reality where you can just do anything you want.
This made me come to terms with how I needed to move out. But that's a long ways away considering she won't teach me anything or help me in anyway. I've given so much of my life to this woman but she still takes and takes and I just wish she would wake up and see how much she's hurting me. It hurts to see my friends with their Moms and see how nicely they are treated by them, how they encourage them. It really hurts. But what hurts the most is this is the person who gave birth to me and she doesn't love me at all.
I don't know what I'm expecting by writing this but either someone will have some words of wisdom or someone will read this and know that they are not alone.