Sorry that I've been so quiet... If anything I guess I've just closed up shop in a manner of speaking. Sorry if I repeat myself... But here as an informal patient but been told on numerous and separate occasions that if I push for discharge, they will section me.

Trigger warning re self harm - due to feeling trapped I have been excessively self harming as my main grounding technique... But it's got to a dangerous level and the temptation to go that one step further has been almost impossible to resist.

Tonight I was incredibly close... And ironically without my knowledge they had changed my observations from 15 mins to once an hour... I'm on 10 min obs as I type once they'd discovered how close things were to walking in on me not me... I was in tears... I had tried to approach staff leading up to the incident but I just became mute and unable to articulate my panic as the intensity grew stronger... One member of staff was actually quite stern with me at first due to the lack of words and just offered a patient request medication as a solution to all problems... I screamed in frustration, returned to my room and went into meltdown.

Once I had semi-calmed down I resorted to calling the crisis team (who as a rule will only talk to those on their books)... I explained that I didn't know what else to do.... That I was feeling unsafe on the ward, that I had injured myself excessively... And then I just started to cry. They told me to demand to speak to the nurse again and in the process of doing so they must have called the ward to ask what the hell was going on, since the nurse came out with a different and slightly more compationate response.

Technically I am being escorted to an off ward occupational therapy session this morning... And I am tempted to just shake the escort and go home... Could be risky but like I said I don't feel safe here... So I'd rather feel unsafe in a familiar place with my dog that in a place I feel nothing but isolation and inconsistent care.

Which leads to one of the big upsets off the week - I was moved wards on Wednesday after spending three weeks slowly adapting and sussing out the first ward I was on (aspergers = change and lack of continuity is very very hard to deal with/accept)... The consultant of the previous ward 'told' me I was being moved... Yet when I came to this ward I discovered that as a non sectioned patient I actually had a choice to decline... Been so upset and worn down... I had been accepted by some of the patients on the prior ward and that had encouraged me to come out of my room more... In short (and this may sound silly since I'm 6'2 and 85kg) they formed a protective bubble around me as they became aware of my noise acuity issues and lack of general awareness to when situations that I might have been caught in the cross fire occurred... Suddenly I'm on a new ward, isolated in my room and irrespective of being a risk to myself... I just want to go home