Oh ****!

This is how I am doing right now, just that. My brain is not, ,, just overwhelmed with so many tasks thrown at it. So it can pick where to start, it can't set priority, it changes it's course, like I'm not doing what I said I was gonna do, what I thought right then, an hour ago don't seem right. I'm changing my mind every few seconds, in this kind of situation, I should rest, take the time, I need to make the time, right?

This is like I can't make myself do anything, 'cos that's gonna require more thinking. I'm breathing faster, and this little sensation and dried blood stays. As it is. Even if I did lose my arm right this moment, that's gonna throw me into more confusion.

What would you do? By the time anyone respond to this, my mind in a different place. Consider it asked anyways. I should've read someone like my mind, a confused mind, and how they dealt with it. This is different to ,,maybe it was yesterday. for 4,5 hrs time, my mind sank to the deepest point.

****!..I'm using this whispering voice to myself and saying this to myself. It's obvious that I write here like I talk to myself, and I do. I wondered about it yesterday, like how long have I been doing that? When I'm stressed like this, I do that out loud without noticing that ppl are around me. Someone heard me speaking yesterday, it was a bit awkward. I also stuttered a little when I was talking to someone today.

How fast do I have to breathe to call it a hyperventilation?

I'm not giving up yet. I know I need to get some rest but I'll give myself few more hours. Plenty of time to accomplish many things that could help me. I'm afraid how any of my next meaningful action could affect me.

ICE CREAM. Please don't laugh, haha, well, you can. It worked. I check my breathing and it is almost normal. I'm taking sigh of relief. Someone out there understand how little things can get so hard, I wasn't thinking to get that ice cream or maybe I was. Food, energy source. This works for me, I have to remember that. I already ate some btw, ramen noodle, that was my dinner. Maybe I should eat more..

Next. I have to pick my battle perfume for tonight. This is something I like, I thougt these beautiful scent I love could help me but I have too many to choose from, even one bottle contain so many notes. .......and I picked one, a bottle called "The One". I haven't used this in a while, and my sense of smell is okay, working but I might be coming down with something, took cold medicine just in case.

I guess I was right. I sprayed some on my cuts and this pefume doesn't hurt much. I'm not gonna test the theory, that's just stupid. a few days ago, I was using another one and that one hurt good, I don't need to cut now, yes, I'm still safe, but I just thought of it, the tool, I have the exact same cutter knife at home, I'm regretting what I did today.

I knew it was about time my boss was gonna come around and he did. In the morning, my mood was high as always, I felt that life's worry was gone, or away for a while, I kept it away, this new guy was doing the morning shift, so he left me tons of things to do, I thought those extra work was going to keep me busy.

I don't remember exactly but something started to worry me. I knew what was gonna come, I needed to be braver, something other than normal work routine. I checked the blade first, it was rusty so I switched to a new one, the point was sharp enough, once I decided, it was too easy. It was methodical.

As I type, I was looking at the scars, perfumed scars and I've just let the sleeve down. Looking at 'em brought up the desire for more, I said some but none of these don't represent hate toward myself, quite the opposite.

This became the norm, finding beauty in things, my arm right now lacks fresh red lines. I can think of a few but I'm not going for another method of injuring myself. It is kinda unfortunate that I have the exact same type of cutter knife at home as the one at work. Guess, it doesn't matter, the straight razor I use for shaving is another tool I'm familiar with,, could be too sharp though.

I will stop thinking like that. Perfumes still strong, this is like music for someone else, well,,smells very nice, I'm breathing too deep, this is just an escape from my reality.

After the ice cream, I felt a glimpse of reality coming back at me, when you are so confused in your own head, you need to pull back, but it's hard to do that.

I'm using the F word again in my head.

This perfume smells really good, and my head is out of it tonight, I still feel little bit of sensation from my right arm, what if I mix 'em both? I just wanna keep having fun, this is how addiction starts. This reminds that I thought today that I once kicked alcohol habit, then I should be able to stop this too.

I can't keep thinking this, I'm gonna go take a longer break, so I'll post this and someone can read it.