Big Mama, I can totally help you with this. I understand what you are going through.

First of all, just to let you know, I have been through all of this. My exh was/is very controlling and abusive. When we split up, we did the same thing, agreed on the amount because he didn't make a lot, and the amount of child support the courts would have had him pay was too much, he wouldn't have been able to pay rent. I wanted us both to be able to take care of ourselves and our responsibilities and be civil.

I always had to ASK him for the child support at our visitation exchanges and it was humiliating. It was his way of continuing to control me. We had constant fights over the amount, him paying late, not wanting to pay, etc. Child support was his way to continue bullying and abusing me.

We also lived in VA during this time.

The only way to make this stop is to have it court ordered based on the child support calculations that the court uses and have the child support deducted from his paycheck and sent to you through child support enforcement.

I know you want to trust him, and have the agreement between the two of you, We always want to think the best of the other. But the only way to ensure that everyone does what they are supposed to do is to take it out of all of their hands.

My exh yelled and hollered that I could totally screw him on the child support. That I could totally ruin his life, and it made him so angry, but he didn't understand that with that support, he had mine and his daughters life in his hands also. All it took was one missed payment and how would I pay the babysitter?

First, find out what he is SUPPOSED to be paying, and what you need. If you feel you need less than he is supposed to pay but more than he is paying, then you can tell him that either he can up it to get you and the kids where you need to be, or you can put it all in the court's hands and it would be even more. If you can agree to less, then make sure it is all agreed to and court ordered because verbal agreements cannot be enforced by a court. Also, put this in the context of him protecting himself. If he is paying you cash or not based on a court order, you could go to court and get the support ordered for the past and then he would be in arrears. Not that you would, but it might make him feel more like you are both protecting yourselves, not just you protecting yourself and screwing him.

Here is a link to the form used by Virginia courts. http://www.courts.state.va.us/forms/district/dc640.pdf

Child support enforcement can help you file for support through the courts, represent you and walk you through everything.
Child Support - Virginia Department of Social Services

After exh and I started doing our child support in this manner, it ended the fights over money and support. It wasn't something we had to discuss any longer cause it was out of both of our hands. If there was ever an issue, we just called child support enforcement to figure it out.

Good luck and let me know if you have questions. Also, if you have been married 10 years or more and were primarily a stay at home mom, he may need to pay you alimony.