Hey,

I saw my therapist today to talk about an upsetting incident that happened some years ago. I hadn't had the courage to talk about it to anyone else before for fear of being judged. Today, that fear was very much present as well.

I've also suffered from Irritable Bowel Syndrome for years and because of it, have been unable to work for the past 18 months. My sick leave will be over in a couple of weeks and somehow, I'm going to have to find a way to work again..

My therapist and I had our suspicions that my stomach problems were brought on by fear, and today we seemed to get a confirmation. My stomach went haywire as I was talking about the incident! My stomach always gets really upset when I'm worried about what other people will think of me.

I feel that when it comes to the fear, I can't really do anything other than live by what is needed, like keep going to the bathroom for as many times as I have to.. But I should also start eating better because even though my problems aren't totally down to what I eat, a bad diet still makes my symptoms worse.

But here's the thing. For the life of me, I can't bring myself to start this diet that's supposed to help with IBS. For the past year, I've been stuffing my face with junk food because I find it a comfort. It comforts me when I feel depressed due to not being able to work, not having any money to do anything fun, only having one friend left.. I just can't let my sugar and fat go!

I was thinking about this 'I must - I can't!' dilemma as I was driving back home from therapy, and suddenly heard this voice in my head saying, 'I don't want to eat properly because then I'll cry - I don't want to cry!'

I don't think I'm 'there yet' to solve this issue of not wanting to cry, I just feel I need to share this revelation that I had to make it more real.. Hugs would be appreciated