Quote:
Originally Posted by popuri88
Thanks. Yes, I see that too. I live with my parents as it's very common here for kids to stay home as they go to college, so it's not like I'm absent. And we do many things together because of this. We used to go to garden shops together, for example. That's why I know her complaint is absolutely unfair.
She knows that too: once my sister asked her to go to the movies together and she thought my sister's friends were coming along, so she declined. Actually I face this complaint more towards a "family" thing involving my father or as a complaint directed to him that rebounds on us idk why. As I said, everything is about him... and he cares for her a lot, but their relationship is very damaged. To tell you the truth, I think he is VERY tolerant, I don't know if I would take it. I really can't blame him.
Once I lashed at her and asked why didn't she leave if he makes her feel so bad and she took as a personal offense, as if I was pointing another mistake she has done in life. She feels shamed and humilliated by us, our daughters and never lows her guard. Other days she's ok, but her life is more about expecting others to validate her than doing something for herself, and when my father doesn't give her the validation she needs, it goes downhill.
Both me and my sister worry a lot about this. We'll leave home in a few years and I fear she'll hate me if I support my father to get a place of his own after we leave, although I think they need this space and she needs to grow back a life too...
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Your mother's feelings are not your responsibility. I say this not to be harsh but because I'm not sure if anyone has ever said that to you before. They are not your, your sister's, or your father's responsibility. If she refuses to take responsibility for her feelings and her health, there is nothing that any of you can do about it. There is no amount of validation from you, your sister, or your father that can make your mother happy because she has to figure out how to make herself happy. You said you and your sister invite her to things but she declines, ok, that is her right. You have talked to her about getting help for her mental illness, she can choose not to unfortunately. You can't build your life around being there for your mother. She will use you being afraid to leave her alone as a way to control you and keep you around. It's called "emotional backmail" getting people to do what you want by implying or outright threatening that you might harm yourself or not be ok if they don't.
It sounds like your mother doesn't have many/any boundaries. That can make living there really difficult. My mother takes zero responsibility for herself, her feelings, and her life. It's taken me most of my life (34 years) to learn that even if she has decided that everything is all my fault, that is just her distorted thinking. I would like for her to get help, but she refuses to so all I can do is protect myself from her. Strong boundaries is the way I do that. It doesn't have to be harsh or mean, when she says something like "you don't like me", you can say "I'm sorry you feel that way." Or "you'll all be much happier when I'm gone", you can say, "It must really hurt to believe that." Be genuine about it, you can empathize but not take the bait. She's looking for reassurance but it's not your job to reassure her. Remind yourself she doesn't actually think you will be happier when she's gone, that it's just something she says to get a reaction and also that she probably doesn't mean to hurt you. It sucks to have parents who are really seriouslly mentally ill but the bottom line is that there are things she could do to feel better and she chooses not to do them.
