I'm sorry to hear you are struggling so much right now - something that I would like to comment on is the implication that you are to blame for your "rut" and although I don't know your circumstances, I would beg to differ. We find ourselves impacted by so many factors that it is impossible to blame one single thing for our life positions. On the positive side you are reaching out to find a way up, hold that thought and keep looking for that one glimmer that can motivate you to do even the simplest of tasks...I say this as I'm trying to figure out what the point of showering today is...you're not alone in trying to find a way