My belief is that suicide is just another sin that can be/will be forgiven. I used to try to make myself believe it was the worst thing a person could do and that it was not redeemable but I now think that is wrong for a variety of reasons.

I have never attempted although once it was only because I got myself into the hospital and then when they were about to send me home I managed to tell a nurse how I was really feeling and what I was hiding. I was then kept much longer until I was much more stable although I spent months that year fighting to stay alive.

This year has been one of the most awful in my life as I've been in an 11 month episode and no treatment has helped except one that helped a little but had to be stopped b/c of a potentially dangerous side effect. Stopping it just made me worse. I've just not had a break from feeling bad in months. And I've been suicidal. But now I've found that I'm stuck here because my niece became old enough to understand and remember and I cannot do that to her. I can't hurt her that way. So I'm here and instead find myself begging to just not wake up, to be in an accident, anything that would not leave that legacy of I did it myself.

I think it is the deepest and most difficult responsiblity I have ever felt.