I'm going to start with this reply, I'll answer both questions, but first the second question Yes I'm describing my experiences and yes I am looking for something it's very difficult to describe to others because it's branded into my own life experience that I can't share with everyone, because if I told you and I will you will not fully grasp my reasoning, why I care about that so much is that. I am a very misunderstood misfit like you and other people, but even if I'm wrong on that presumption it's the fact I am right at the same time for just simply being misunderstood is just a horrible feeling.

I grew up my whole life feeling lied to by everyone even my parents. I felt no one loved me and I try to make the most of what I have by the people I have near me. I try to be friends with people, but people are very distant. I do rather have close friends, but that's very difficult to achieve and that I want to believe my perspective is wrong.

So to answer your second question, I'm trying to convince myself I'm confident in certain aspects, because people projected their insecurities and misunderstandings on me, because they can't handle the hell I went through and the one I go through now. That even when you are in a group of other unloved misguided and misunderstood you will fall into the further depths of obscurity becoming almost like an oddity just that people rather pass you by and see the superficial things even people who are suffering maybe worse than me.

It's hard to explain how it's that people who go through worse than me get what they want as in they find what they seek and it just falls into their lap.

And other people who don't have heartache once have things fall into their lap every second in their life it seems like they just don't get sad, because they don't understand it that people who are sad are broken and not worthy to receive affection, because everyone finds those individuals ungrateful childish and no one should love them.

I convince myself I'm confident, because I am in some regards, but others it's just a way to keep myself sane and killing myself.
I can't believe even any of the things that happened to me, how I lived through night terrors after night terrors having my hallucinations take form of everything and everyone around me fooling my whole existence. What if you woke up one day and the things you thought you knew never were what you believed they were all just lies, whether bad or good, you suffer feeling scared because you can't get a grip on anything and the world can turn quite skewed and twisted very very quickly. It's a very difficult hole to get out of.

Also I wasn't making it up, that around 16 children who were my age played a prank on me that would end up been horribly went wrong I was punished for it as a suspension, but I told the man the truth and the vice principal didn't believe me a man pointed a gun in my face in a drunken rant and he wanted to kill me. I was only 8. That when I saw a picture of my 8th bday party it was undeniable proof of what my hellish life truly was. I never believed the stories I locked away in my head when it all came back to me in a photo I cried seeing only 6 people showed up to my bday I was super grateful and happy, but my parents went out their way to have over 150 guests come over. They all didn't show up, because the mother and father of a teenage boy who raped and tortured me wanted to spread lies and rumors about me and my family just because they felt that their son was no rapist and I was a liar to ruin his life. So they set out to ruin mine since I was 6 years old when child services went to their home and police went to the neighbors house causing a big stir. My sister my mother and my dad did not know anything of the true hell I went through everyone marginalized everything I went through on that point on in my life even today they did.

I hated when they were attempted to make me feel more positive they never considered I can do it on my own as I wish it to be, and I'm not some idiot everyone tries to frame me to be. I wanted to kill myself multiple times at a very young age and my teenage years because no one did love me they felt either pity and tried to hide it or they were intimidated by me in some weird way and just pretended to be my friend. I'm not making this up either, they even admitted to this too.

Rather I was searching for someone who wouldn't do this to me.

That one day I won't be born in a world where I'm truly alone and die alone in.

The people I felt the closest too suffered as much as I did and were misunderstood, my grandmother beaten starved and looked like death I saw my own eyes at 12 when she was on her death bed from alzheimers disease and remembering the soft happiness that radiated from her. I still cry every single moment I remember her, because she was such a beautiful soul. She was my mother when my mother wasn't there she babysitted me when I was very young till she couldn't take care of herself anymore she lost all her body functions and was physically treated worse than **** for a decade before passing away in 2006. I still remember the day the time of day and remember everything about that. How I wish it was me not her, that she shouldn't had been treated so cruelly before she died. She suffered all the way till the end. It broke my heart and whatever hope I had in growing up shattered, how atrocious people can truly be.

My other close person is my daughter who was aborted for "just" reasons of that my ex would of died from giving birth to her, do to the physical shock and strain of going into labor would of been. It's legitimate reasoning, and that didn't bother me the most at all. I settled with that part 3 years ago.

I was her mother herself she was selfish uncaring of her family me and anyone else, she only wanted to take things from everyone and never really shown that she really loved another person ever. I never wanted her around my daughter and she always called her she's your kid all the time in an insulting manner mocking me that she had control over me because she's caring her in her body. It was very insulting and disrespectful how she didn't care about her and just wanted to use her. I was so angry and I vowed to never be in that situation ever again. The thought ever having children mortifies me. I would literally rather die than go through that pain again. My ex didn't suffer, she lied the whole thing I suffered. Before she was aborted somehow I knew this be the last moments I was with her, I remember how sad I was and in that car ride how it seemed so cliche and stupid, but she didn't know how badly I will miss her.

Lastly my friend who just passed away a couple months ago who helped me along my life while dating her, he basically got me to open up she wasn't a perfect girlfriend and friends mattered most. He and my other friend kerry had a falling out with him recently. I never got to tell him goodbye nor tell him how perfect he was and that he did a lot of questionably misguided actions, he was 24 and dated underaged girls and I didn't approve of it, he wasn't a bad guy after getting passed that. He was a devote father and a very loyal best friend. I still have the video games and levels we have and haven't completed on save files in memory of him still.

I'm still very much miss him.

See in this regard I'm not so confident, because people don't know that kind of loss, but I am confident, because I haven't gave up. Then again I gave up the methods I previously used.