This is the best response I've received on this site so far, why. It's entirely relevant to what I view my situation and how I approach it.

I try to balance being guarded and not, and it's very hard sometimes impossible with some people I meet. I do take risks, but most of these risks always have previously lead to a lot of disappointment. I don't carry regret anymore since I was younger. I'm trying to strip away the old me and make a new from whatever happens it is working but slowly.

I chose to be single to avoid accepting abusive people to settle an addiction to feeling loved and cared for, because people never really gave me that satisfaction so I was very foolish not knowing what I was looking for even going as far as sexual and physical abuse from someone I admire as a form of love by punishment which lead me to be in dangerous situations and scarring moments in my life.

It's not easy being penpals most of all people I've had the hardest time talking to and that's ok. It's just how it is. I'm only stuck with the select few that's it. I try to reach others like a calling beacon it sometimes works, but then falls flat with no bearing not fruit. It's literally why it's called fishing.

I've tried doing as such, but I find the people not suited to my liking, and it's not really a form of acquired tastes, but that I know what relationships I want with these people and what I don't.

This is my stance, I won't ever be ready for love unless someone is willing to give to me first. I know how to find that easier than most people. Sadly what I also find is intentions. I like to learn other people and where I find disappointment, is that the person is really nice and caring, but didn't like me or the person was really into me sorta, but has their own issues or they want to harm me. It's always has been one of the 3 so far.

I have friends who people just flock to them for no apparent reason and they grew up with the opportunity like I did to make lots of friends, but I had a lot harder time they everyone else, just because I was misunderstood, because the parents of the rapist who sought out to destroy my life did just that at least socially and emotionally. I had very little friends and had a very tough time starting friendships as a kid, because people thought I was a bad person or a crazy psycho. No one saw my anger or rage fits I made as a child even when they were very scarce as a form of fear and that I had no intention of harming others and did everything to undo that harm if it was collateral damage growing up. I became very compassionate and cared about everyone's wellbeing even sacrificing my own.

I felt my whole life, people should be happy, but I get very jealous and sad sometimes, but not very long though. It's just that I wanted someone to really show me they understand me and I'm not going to let this guard up anymore that I had to force upon myself to keep people who don't understand from ridiculing me and making me feel worse than a person.

I'll clarify in gradeschool after I transferred to 4 different district schools in the area the family did so much damage to my reputation it was like a virus people like heard of me because some teachers broke confidentiality rule and recently found that out in 2012 from a former classmate and I told my mom this and I was unaware of that when I was in 4th grade everyone faked being my friend, because they were told of that I was a troubled child of much very very bad things happened to me that I needed to be shown I was cared for.

It's ****ed up I was more just cast aside later on and that I was an anomaly more than anything my obscurity of the real me the good me got muddied, because they thought my fits of rage were the reason I was gone through bad things, because they thought I was a bad child. They lacked to understand and the adults didn't know I was abused so violently physically sexually mentally etc.

What I desire most in life is to rid this... forever. It's not been easy then as it is now. I'm still trying to undo it. I've gotten better at some of my progress, but I need more life experience before I can continue.

Cruelty of humans can start in childhood and I've seen it firsthand. I've seen it in passed down from parent to child too like a birth right passage. That we respond to others in anger or hatred or prejudice, because we don't understand or they are assumed weak so we prey on them. That's the kind of people who did make my life hell. They take many forms and none are trusted.

So I need proof from the other person discretely, I won't ask I won't beg I won't even try to care, because I want to see if they were legit or not. It's worked in proving whose not worthy of my recognition. I do judge others, but I won't be involved in their lives much nor will I say anything to their face, because they need to figure it out on their own and I do too with my own. So it's not my call to tell them what to do.

See I've still able to make more risks, but I've been losing a lot of momentum, because it's now a very dark place in my life, my body is suffering tremendous neuro tics and tremors and I'm having some symptoms similar to POTS and dystonia. I was diagnosed with Stiff person syndrome 2 years ago in march from a possible response biologically from my near death experience one of my many from disease of a brain bacterial infection of encephaylitis if you read into the disease you know how deadly it can be and how much damage it can wreak havoc on all body organs and functions.

I won't let the disease take me neither will I let others take care of my body, because I will not be like my grandmother, because it's not fair to her that I suffer as much as she did.

There are very little people who truly understand what hell is. It can take many forms in their life, but all the feelings are the same response. They need something they were never given. I was never given the affection I needed so I will laugh smile and show how happy I am in other ways, but deep down I'm wanting to die and that I've not truly smiled and said I love you and meant it even when I did it was very short lived and taken back. It's a prized possession to me. I don't let anyone get into my head when I date them, I shut out and shut down any attempts for them to control me.

It's just how it is.