idk why i posted this. i just needed to vent a bit.

let me start off with, i'm grateful for my job. people assume that i'm ungrateful so much. before i moved to where i am now, i was unemployed for three years. i worked cam sites and kept disgusting skype sugar daddies just to survive while being simultaneously sexually abused by one of my roommates. the whole experience left me traumatized, completely lacking a sex drive, broke and probably owing a lot of money to the irs. basically i know what it's like to be in dire straits.

but i wake up every day with a pit in my stomach. i spend every weekend waiting for it to swallow me. i. hate. my. job. there's no proper word for how much i hate it.

i'm up at 3am to get anything enjoyably productive done because by the time i get out most days i've been drained of all my energy at best and full fledged breaking down in my car at worst. i work from 7:30 to 4. there's an age gap between me and all of my coworkers of at least 30 years. i'm the baby and they treat me as such. i also represent everything my coworkers hate -- millenials, the data system i manage that they never wanted to use in the first place, "women" (which is really misplaced misogyny since i'm not even a woman) -- and they offload all of their hate on me. i've had to baby step grown men into doing simple things. just getting them to sign something turns into an argument. and every little thing they do enables some fight-or-flight response in me. i have to shut my eyes and tuck my legs under my chair whenever they pass my desk because they'll knock on it as they pass and just thinking about it is making me want to cry. the repetition! it's all repetition! my bosses say the same things to me every day, morning, morning, how are you, fine, good, never seen again unless it's to walk by my desk and knock. and the whistling. i've developed a punching tic over it. i have lumps all over my face from punching myself, slamming my head on the desk, beating myself with my keyboard. and no one notices a thing, even with my desk right out in the open. no one notices. i'm invisible there. and then the same two tasks Every Day, variation twice a year at best. file invoices, scan document. file invoice, scan. file, scan. file, scan. file, scan. file, scan. scan. scan. scan. scan. scan. scan. file file file file file file file. answer the phone and pretend i haven't just been bashing my face in.

i make okay money, somewhere just under $20k a year before taxes, enough to pay all my bills and save a small amount, but not enough to make up for this. i was keeping it for the health benefits, but it barely covers anything. it doesn't cover the only therapist i've been able to connect with, and thankfully he's a decent human being and he's working out a way i can see him for no charge, but i just can't keep doing this anymore. i can't take it anymore. i can't wake up wanting to die every day much longer. i live with my dad which is another layer of pathetic, but i still have to pay half the bills. if i quit and have to take a minimum wage job, i won't be able to save money like i could here. every article i read says if you hate your job it's all your fault and if you quit you're just going to carry that baggage to your next job. am i going to hate every job i have this much? what if at my next job no one will call me by my name? what if my boss is a rapist? or all my coworkers hate me everywhere else because i'm such a repulsive person?