I feel so disillusioned with the whole world. For every "problem" solved, with great difficulty on my behalf, another 2 are created. We have been set up to fail in life. The world is ****ed, filled with mindless assholes. I will never be happy like I was when I was younger. Adulthood is the worst thing that has ever happened ever. I hate that other people inflict their expectations & morals on me & that I even care about what they think. I'm torn between being an opportunistic ***** with no morals that will take whatever she can get regardless of harm caused to being a sweetheart that has compassion & understanding. I feel like 2 different people & it's tearing me apart. No amount of alcohol or valium is making it all go away & I just want to pick up the sweet puff again & self destruct. I want to sell my house leave my partner alone & abandon ship to Europe. Where I will sleep with everyone, spend all my money partying & end it all for good when the money is gone. I don't see the point of trying to make a life for myself. I have no threshold for suffering. I can't stand the suffering. Medications don't work much, talking makes it worse & makes my head spin. I just want to sleep forever.