Hi! I've been in treatment for decades and I've only gotten worse, or it seems like that to me. I'm on ssdi now (I have been for 10 yrs) and I feel like a failure. I've developed physical issues, tics or jerks or something and I have no idea if it's medical or what. I'm not doing it on purpose it just happens but there is no cause showing up medically. Every medical test I get comes back fine so I feel like a jerk for bothering doctors. I've exhausted all psych meds my insurance will cover and my psychiatrist has just thrown her hands in the air, literally.

I do make an effort to enjoy my day and explore alternatives. I know there is help beyond pysychiatry and therapy. I try everything. I fight everyday. Sometimes I've been weak. I've been in 3 comas.

I'm sober now but I've had some issues with drinking and weed. I've abused klonopin. I've done things I'm totally ashamed of and have horrible guilt. I can't believe my spouse is still with me.

I want to reach out and tell someone the way I really feel inside but Ive been in the hospital at least 15? Times? It doesn't make those thoughts go away. It's just a container. Some therapists say I have borderline personality disorder. I find that stigmatising and embarassing. I can act like a little brat though and I'm a middle aged woman. I'm a mess. Yes I've done dbt. Ive done it all. Crystals, anti psychiatry, herbs, oils, diet changes, reiki. EVERYTHING and I'm still a morose moody jerk. There's gotta be some reason my spouse is still with me. It's certainly not for money or beauty or security.