***SI triggers

Thanks everyone. I talked to her when she came to say hi while I was waiting for pdoc. she asked if I was okay, and I immediately started crying about how I don't want to be a full time psych patient again. She said "A, you don't have to be, but we need you to stop and it needs to stop now." She said it's at a severity where I'm lucky I still have proper use of my hand and even if it means hurting me more, at this point it would be negligent of her to not put my physical safety first. I said I don't care about that, and she said that's a big part of what scares them. I knew it was bad, but I didn't realize it was *that* unusual. She also said she was being really blunt about how much danger I'm in because I need to understand it's not okay. She was really nice, I was crying and sitting on the chair and she was kind of squatting so she could talk to me. She said "A, just stop now. I'll help you with it, but if you're actually putting yourself in this kind of danger, it wld be wrong for me to not get you the kind of help you need."

I saw my pdoc and got the same from him, that this is one of the worst cases of SH he has ever seen and it's dangerous and I'm in serious trouble right now. It goes beyond just cutting into the territory of serious, lasting harm, and I'm a danger to myself. He kept saying they gave me this ultimatum (I kept calling it a threat) because of the fact that they care about saving my life, and even if I don't think that's important right now, they want me to be able to get to a point where I care, and they can't do that if I hit an artery and bleed out. They also don't like tbat I don't get the medical attention I need, and the last 2 times were really, really bad, and I just wrapped it up in a bunch of gauze (that stuck to it like glue) and an ace bandage and ignored it until I saw psychologist a few days later.

I' afraid of messing up now. I know it's ridiculous, but I feel like I'm being punished, instead of being forced to get the help I need to stay out of danger. I feel like I'm going the wrong thing and hit that landmine of "too sick to be here."

In a way I think it's them doing stuff like this that makes me feel safe, but at the same time it hits me in every insecurity and fear that I have. I just became comfortable with her and I don't want to lose that while I am struggling so much. I can't see her at the same time because it's in the hospital and you can't see someone outside of the program. I am fairly sure I would have to switch pdocs too.

I was telling my pastor that it's hard to hear this because of the abandonment from my ex-T, and she kept telling me it's nothing like that, but kind of the opposite of that. My ex-T mever referred me up and I got worse and worse until she abandoned me. My pastor told me too that I need serious help and that she's afraid for me and I need to let them keep me safe because I can't do it. She said she was scared to tell me she's praying for me in case I don't get that she's saying I need serious medical help right now. It made me sad that even she was being so blunt about it (she said she cares about me and sometimes part of faith is allowing people to help keep you safe). She gave me a hug after though, which at least softened it, and said she was being honest because she loves me and wants me to know what I am doing isn't okay.

I'm scared for so many reasons. I'm afraid to tell the T I'm not sure I can keep myself safe. I'm afraid of what will happen, but I guess I need to say it too. I'm hoping they will see it as progress that for the first time I am asking for help *before* and not *after*. I know I need help and I know I'm at serious risk, but for several different reasons I do not want to be in full time therapy at the psych hospital right now. For one, I think having that identity put on me again might make me even worse. On the other hand I know they are going to put my physical safety above my mental health right now. I also know the risk to myself is enough that it's fuzzy how much legal choice I have to refuse treatment, but that completely removing myself is a bad idea. So it really is kind of their decision at this point, especially because it's at a public hospital.

I'm scared for myself, my ability to get better (although they both still insist I can if I stay physically safe long enough), and the fact that they and my pastor are scared about my physical health and I don't care... All I care about is how much I hurt insids, and this is going to hurt more.

I need to tell her I'm not sure I can keep myself safe when I see her tomorrow right? I'm so afraid of being a person who is constantly threatening self-harm and then doing nothing, but at the same time I know that it's way past that point.

I am also afraid to tell her the truth (major trigger here)



I'm so afraid that *that* will just push things over the edge and land me in the full time program. It's worse if it's planned, isn't it?