I am seeing a new T tomorrow and I am nervous. I know it is an intake appointment, but I have so much I want to accomplish and need help with.

I spent the last two years feeling pretty stable even though I went through some crappy stuff. In the last month, I feel my hold on stability slipping. It seems to follow my monthly cycles the last couple of months, but it gets BAD.

I have decided to get a new T because the one I have been with for almost 7 years has started treating my ex husband as a client. I am not comfortable with this because of the fact that my ex threatened to take custody of our son when we divorced and my T said that he would couch for me in court if it ever came to it. My ex gave up the idea when I pulled out all the stops and said that I had proof of what he had done and that no judge would give a child to someone with his values. Not to mention, he didn't want to spend the money and having a full time kid would cramp his style... I digress.

As I have felt myself getting sick again, I have kept it a secret from everyone, including my T. I know he is bound by confidentiality to not tell my ex what I say, but I know that he reveals vague things (because he has revealed vague things about my ex to me). Now that he treats my ex, he can no longer vouch for me if I need him to. I am also not getting anywhere in therapy because I am too concerned about not revealing too much that my ex might learn.

So, new therapist... Anyway I am afraid because of some of the thoughts I have had in the last month.

What is the difference between suicidal thoughts and ideations and actually being suicidal? I am confused...
A couple of weeks ago, I was so ready to die that I was searching for things I could hang a rope from. I was mad because I didn't have anything that wouldn't break under my weight if I tried, nor did I have a rope of any sort. However, those were the thoughts running through my head. I wished with all my heart that I would just die in my sleep, not wake up.. But at the same time, I know that it would ruin my kids' lives because they would each end up having to live with their fathers and would likely never see each other again. I don't have anything of value to leave them, nor do I have any legal arrangements regarding their custody or care if I were to pass. Sometimes, I think to myself that once they are grown up and established that I can die at that point. Sometimes if it gets bad, I count the years until I can let go and die.

So, I mean, I don't have thought out, organized steps to take and I can talk myself out of it by using the logic that my kids won't be taken care of... so am I suicidal or am I just having thoughts?

The other thing is that the depression/anxiety is taking over my life... I get the kids to school. I smile and wave when I see the other moms. I stop and talk to them when I pick up my youngest, I am committed to helping with the PTO, I have my own business (or so I say... I avoid the work it takes to be successful because I know that I am going to screw it up. When I get a lead, I purposely screw it up so that I can get out of it. I will probably end up quitting soon if I don't get help). People think I am fine, but I spend a lot of time trying to figure out how to hide in my house and get more sleep. I cancel business appointments and when I have physical ailments that other people just power through and I use them as an excuse to stay home and be alone. I am failing at life. I can see the writing on the wall. I am going to lose my home. There is no way I can sustain this once my kids get older and I begin to lose their disability and child support payments. I am living on borrowed time. I know what I need to do. I need to work and make money, but I can't bring myself to actually do it.

Sorry for the rant... I am just afraid that my new T will hospitalize me or try to make me get on meds again. If I go to the hospital, that is a guarantee that my ex husbands will open custody suits. I just had a huge fight with my first ex who wanted my oldest son to live with him because he was being a typical teenager and complaining about the few chores I make him do. He made a big deal out of it and said that he was doing all the cooking, cleaning, laundry, taking care of his brother, when really, I ask him to clean up the kitchen dishes after dinner (that I cook) take out the trash once a week and babysit his brother for short periods of time. I was able to convince my ex of the truth... he was saying that because I was sick a few years ago that I am not a good mother. If I end up in the hospital, that would be his cue to file a custody suit in court.