Hello BNLsMOM: I'm so sorry you are struggling. I hope that, in some way, you can begin to find your way toward healing. I can't really offer much with regard to your pending appointment with your new therapist. I do think it was important for you to find a new one. Seeing the same T as your ex is a prescription for trouble it seems to me. As far as your appointment tomorrow goes, if it were me, I think I would just let the therapist guide the discussion & not try to delve into things too deeply. But that's just me. I tend to be cautious to a fault... sometimes to my detriment. I do not advocate that approach for you.

I wanted to address your question regarding suicide. I will tell you that I have ongoing suicidal thoughts on a daily... sometimes hourly basis. They never stop. And I have been to that dark place more than once. And I have also spent time thinking about how I could accomplish the task in the future.

From my perspective, it is possible to have suicidal thoughts / ideation... to be "passively suicidal" without actually being in danger. However, it is a fine line... one that is constantly shifting. And there's no way to objectively determine how close one is to that line at any given moment. What has happened with me previously is that unexpectedly something has happened that has suddenly pushed me over the edge. I didn't see it coming, although in retrospect I think I could see how it had been developing. It wasn't even necessarily a specific event that triggered it. I simply reached a point where I said to myself: "I can't stand this for another minute. I'm done..." And that was it.

I guess my answer to your question is that there is no hard-&-fast differentiation that can be made between passive suicidality & being actively suicidal & a danger to oneself. But the danger is that it is just one small step, over a continuously shifting line, from passive suicidality to active. So, from that standpoint, I would really urge you to reach out to someone, in real life, with regard to the thoughts you are having. If there is simply no one in your life you feel safe talking with at the moment, consider calling a suicide prevention hotline. The other thing that might be helpful would be if you could find a support group you could join. It might not even be mental health related. It might be a support group for single moms, or something else. Just having others you can meet with & talk to about shared struggles might be very helpful. You might find that you don't even need to bring up the concern regarding suicidality. You could perhaps reduce the pressure enough that your suicidal thoughts will dissolve on their own. I do think that having suicidal feelings is sort-of like a pressure that is building up within a closed system. If you allow the pressure to keep building up, eventually a blow-out will occur at the system's weakest point. However, if there is a release valve built into the system, then the pressure cannot build up to a degree where it threatens to blow the system. Does that make sense?

Anyway, I send warm wishes your way with the hope that you will be able to find that center of deep peace that resides within each of us.