So - I really need to vent. I am tired, I am miserable, I feel just awful.

It was a small talk I had with my mother on the phone two days ago. We talked about maybe going to a yoga class together on my next visit to where she lives.
She suggested a certain yoga place where we have been once before. The thing is, I told her I really didn't like that the teacher, an older man, because he touched me without asking my permission first, and I felt uncomfortable.

You see, I was sexually abused as a child by my older cousin. The whole family seemed to tolerate the physical and emotional abuse that they knew of, but I just recently at age 26 told my mom what happened otherwise. She reacted shocked, but I sense she couldn't be THAT surpised. I think noone wanted to know or see what happened to me.

So now she is being really insensitive and can't understand why I wouldn't want to go to that particular yoga teacher's class anymore. Instead, silent disagreement when I suggest trying out a women's class. Passive aggressive "Well I don't know, he is the best teacher they have there..." and then a grumpy silence. Ever since then I have this gnawing feeling in my gut and it grows into anger.

I don't understand, I mean is it just okay to ask me to tolerate something I feel uncomfortable with? I have recently asked myself why I am having this issue with making my boundaries clear, and BAM, there it is. I remember so many situations from my childhood when I felt uncomfortable and was forced to shut up and let it happen. Basically this was when people I didn't know touched me, dentists, shoe shop assistants, hairdressers. I feel just awful, so angry, so hurt, violated and humiliated. Most of all humiliated by this non-acceptance of my boundaries. And even worse, she didn't even say it out loud. It was this silent guilt trip that makes me so nauseous.

Thanks anyone who read this. I really needed to get it out somehow