It never ends, does it? Read some stuff about how spiritual people are gullible and less intelligent, how admitting you're into any of that makes you a huge target because you're so easy to manipulate, and people lie and don't care in order to sell you things. And that obviously such things as altering oneself by will or spiritual energy do not exist. That Reality is magical and that should be enough (interestingly, that's a chronic condition of mine. Reality has always seemed inferior and dull. In fact, I find I relate to it primarily through fiction. Seriously, I come to terms with things by reading novels or dreaming up stories, because research stresses me out so quickly).

I know that I'm especially vulnerable due to my mental issues, my long-standing aversion to engaging "reality" for too long, and my general feeling of spiritual starvation. Yet the more I read saying it's all irrational nonsense only believed by people with no critical thinking skills, the more miserable I feel, and I wonder if I shouldn't just start studying the dull, real world. Force myself to learn the science I'm too dumb to learn (I failed enough college classes to know that)and all the analytical stuff I never cared for anyway. I just want to experience life, I just want to be calm and stable and be able to live without constant anxiety (something I know becoming a skeptic in any serious sense - you know, the kind of person who sees fallacies and biases everywhere. Another fear of mine being having to lose my natural feeling, intuitive tendencies in favor of becoming analytical and dry...), but it's impossible. I thought this would help, but I can't be that person. I can't be that idiot following woo and nonsense. I refuse to be part of that narrative.

I probably just think I'm skeptical, when I'm not really...if I were a true skeptic I'd believe the scientific evidence that says it all isn't real....that I'm just kind of stuck with material reality with nothing beyond it. Because it feels like excuses all around. If a decide to try it, I know I won't just be doing it for shits and giggles: my heart will be in it. I'll be doing whatever it is with the full intent of making it work as best as possible - which will only bias me. Of course I'll think it will work. Of course I'll see results because I want to...but I also may not see results (and experience all the effects that go with that) if I go about thinking "This is stupid and it won't work". I suppose I have a vision of it inspiring me enough to help me overcome myself, of teaching me strength....and also, yes, of opening a new and unknown world. Those are my interests. These are what I suppose I want from alternative spiritual exploration.

But I know where it's supposed to lead: you realize it's ********, then cast it off to stand against reality without a crutch. The thought of becoming such a story fills me with so much shame and disgust I think it would be better off to not be a convert-to-reason and just avoid it all together. But then I think: what if that other person is mistaken, or missing something? What if there is something to it? The arguments against it are all obvious, but is that necessarily true...?

The guilt is killing me. To know that I want it so badly but it's wrong. worse, it feels like this: if I find anything supporting it, it's confirmation bias. If I find anything against it, it's "well, maybe it isn't fully understood yet" or "If the goal is just a personal effect, and I think of it as intense symbolism, what's the harm?" The harm is stupidity, of thinking less of myself for being so stupid and having others think less of me. I know that I crave the irrational because I'm too stupid and weak to be rational, to be a proper skeptic and thinker and learn about reality. I'm tempted to experiment anyway and practice in secret, but then it's a matter of integrity. I'm still pathetic and stupid, still tricking myself (although, at the very least, some of the kinds of practices I've looked into acknowledge that they're psychological).

I can't do it. I just can't do it. I can't bear to be that person.