Hey all,

I post on the BPD & Relationship boards a lot but I need some help related to my depression. I guess it's closer now to dysthymia but I think it would probably qualify as "treatment resistant." There seems to be a glass ceiling of sorts I just can't break through to a world without depression. I have been depressed for as long as I can remember, my parents took me to a therapist the first time when I was 9. I do mostly ok now. I function at about at 7 on a scale of 1-10. I come to work, only called in once in 11 months because of depression which is HUGE. It's never happened before. I take 25 mg/day of nortryptiline (Pamelor) which handles my anxiety and anger really well. I take Wellbutrin 150mg/day which mostly handles the depression. I also take a lot of vitamins and supplements for fatigue. I've had my thryoid tested and my fatigue is not due to that. I eat fairly healthy and I'm trying to make myself start working out again but it's tough. I'm having difficulty finding motivation.

I know I feel better when I work out regularly. Since I got this 8-4:30 job it's tough to make myself get up and work out at 5am. The alarm goes off at 5am and it used to be that I would snooze the alarm at first. Now I wake up before the alarm goes off, but I don't get up, I still snooze it. I lie there and wonder why I'm not getting up, like I'm not in control of it. I roll out of bed at the last possible second, which means on days like today I spend over an hour lying in bed, mostly awake, wondering why I'm not motivated to move or work out. It occurred to me today that I might be depressed and that's the reason I'm not getting up. Sometimes I get full-on depressed where I just don't care about anything, that usually lasts about a day or two. Mostly it's just that everything takes too much energy and I can't bring myself to do it all. I can do the dishes but I can't do the dishes and mop the floor both. I'm so frustrated because it just feels like I'm barely functioning and I really want to just live normally, as a person who can get up and go to work and then actually do something in the evening too. Summer of 2014 my doctor and I tried adjusting my meds but it ended up Wellbutrin is the lesser of all evils. SSRIs don't work for me at all and effexor gave me insomnia so I could only take it 3 days before feeling absolutely insane due to lack of sleep.

I'm afraid this may just be my life at this point. I may have to accept I will always have limitations. It really upsets me to think that though. How do you get motivated when you have no motivation???