Few appointments later the psychiatrist(later he became my private doc), he concluded that I have Major depression and Anxiety disorder. I knew i had depression, since I have attempted suicide, used to cut my arms(left with noticeable scars), stay homebound etc. But I didn't realize it would be that bad to call it a "Major" depression. Anyway, he recommended that I get treated and medication is very effective in doing so. So I followed his advice since I did wanted to prevent this darkness from taking over my life. He prescribed Fluvoximine(can't remember the dosage amount) which I took for a month.

I can vaguely remember(memory loss as a side effect i guess) that I was feeling happier, use to be more social(talk to friends and family), it's like i had the fun times back in my life even thought it was lacking stability. But there was also the bad side effects that was so bothersome. Such as insomnia, agitation, racing thoughts and can't stop singing out loud when I'm trying to sleep(which was really strange). The insomnia got to the point where I was awake for 3 days straight, and I wasn't even tired. I got frightened as usually I stayed awake for 38 hours few times but this was really extreme and scary. I managed to get an appointment with my doctor the 3rd day of being awake. I even went shopping with my mum on that day before i went for the consultation(my mum wasn't aware of my condition). It was freaking crazy! So when I met my pdoc at the end of the day, I was all worn off. I even cried in front of him because i was feeling the worst thing ever ever since I've woken up from dozing off in the train to the hospital... He immediately switched my medication to Valproic Acid, 1 and half of 500mg dosage every night, lorezepam and zolpidem for insomnia and resperidon for hearing voice, telling me that I have Bipolar II. I was overwhelmed by this news to refuse to take more meds since I hate taking them.

The following months, I was on the medication, I felt super tired all the time. I used to sleep like more than 12hours. I can say my mind was calmer, it was like "care free" kind of calm and I felt like brain dead sometimes... I was feeling less sexual too(which was kinda frustrating). I felt less depressed, eg when I got a rejection letter from my favorite university I've applied. At night I had difficult breathing because of a strange allergic reaction to resperidon. My pdoc tried to change the dosage but still failed to make it any better. I also sometimes felt hyper, had insomnia even when I was on the medication. In the end, I was so frustrated, I called it a quit. I made my last visit to my pdoc and made my final verdict, to live my life normally without treatment. I am aware that the meds did helped me, but the side effect was too much for me to bear and I was in denial that I'm bipolar. Having to go through all this for nothing. You see, I wanted to get treated for depression, even when I didn't believe it could be treated. But the plan went haywire. It evolved into a complete mess. I'm suspecting that only anti-depressant made me hypomanic. Maybe if I take other kinds of anti-depressant it wouldn't be the case? I don't know.

Now that I'm out of treatment, I get struck by depression every now and then. I'm mostly keep myself occupied with TV shows and work. There are still things I do that seems like hypomania, but I am still unsure. It's like, after my pdoc gave me the diagnosis, it hits me all the time whenever I'm feeling happy, hyper and I get worried...