Thanks for getting back rcat! It's funny, your two thoughts sort of overlap for me.
My partner and I have never had communication (good or bad) until I started initiating conversation over the past several months. Initially he responded with how he wanted to change to keep us together, so we talked about issues we both had. He let me know that our infrequent sex also bothers him, and he told me he does not like having to always initiate. I told him I that I need to feel sexy in order for me to initiate, and that I would like more spontaneity. The problem is that I still don't feel attractive to him at all, so I don't initiate. And he hasn't initiated anything spontaneous. Outside of the bedroom we could use more spontaneity too. He prefers planning ahead. This is something I can definitely bring up next time we talk; thank you!
We do enjoy doing things together-- concerts, sporting events, cooking together, going out for drinks, etc. We enjoy days too where we have no plans, no family functions, and we can relax. Despite myself, I usually end up working or being anxious about work I'm not doing anyway instead of relaxing though.
One last comment on your 16 year roommate. I am sorry about your history of both abuse and wasted time; I am happy though that it sounds like you are in a better place now.
I identify with your feeling of living contently without sex and your realization later that it was missing. I do not have a physical abuse history, but I experienced emotional abuse that made me feel numb to a lot of things, including sex. I am not sure what changed, but I am now aware that I actually have a need for sex and passion. I'm struggling on how to get these needs met and I think my partner is too since they basically appeared out of thin air.
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Thank you for your response l-dl!
I feel happy and hopeful reading your words about love and intimacy. I would like both my partner and I find our way, even if it is not together.
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Thank you for your response as well, TB!
I am sorry to hear that you are struggling in your marriage. I have to agree about the situations in which you felt chemistry-- in the few times I can recall feeling such feeling, only once was it reciprocated. I can't really pinpoint why I felt the way I did for any of these instances, but when it was mutual we had a very passionate (but ultimately destructive) relationship.
I'll keep stewing on the why chemistry question... Thanks again!