Please reach out to someone in real life, sinking, with regard to the thoughts you are having. I have been there too... more than once. Suicidal thoughts are like a pressure cooker. If the pressure builds up too much, eventually it will burst at the weakest point. You cannot keep stuffing this down... you have to "air it out"... "let the light shine in upon it..." I know how difficult this is. I've been there. If there is simply no one you can talk to, call a suicide prevention hotline, if there is one available to you. And also keep posting here on PC. Continuing to write about what's going on with you can also be helpful...