Thank you for answering. im sorry for what i wrote, it was wrong and selfish of me to post this here. i guess i was just trying to get those things out of my head and at the same time see them and have the proof they are real.
i bought something today meant to be part of my method. this too is a wrong info to say but it seems like i just need to feel the reality of it, my feelings, thoughts, myself... that they are real and i exist. i thought posting more would do me good and not go crazy, instead maybe its better if i continue ignoring it all. this cant be true. its all real and unreal at the same time. if it gets worse i'll call a hotline, i promise. thanks and sorry for posting here. thanks and sorry, i know you all are hurting so much, i wish you all the best.