TL;DR - Does anyone else identify with covert narcissism? In what ways? Below is just me rambling about how I identify with it.

I'm not sure if it's one of my many issues or not, but I identify with a lot of what I read about it. I was recently hired onto a job where I was told I wouldn't have to interact with people very much, which to me was perfect, because I really don't like interacting with strangers much at all. But I was quickly thrust into customer service and cashiering, ironically because my manager thought it would be a better fit for me, since I was in a full-blown fake-persona mode from day one due to my usual social anxiety.

But the truth is that it's a horrible, horrible fit for me. I have almost no patience for people, and find myself just feeling extremely anxious and agitated all shift long, every shift. I just seem to be pretty good at coming across like I'm just a bit timid and shy and even sweet-natured, but admittedly that's just my go-to defense and self-control mechanism when I'm secretly fantasizing about slaughtering people.

I've always chalked all this up to social anxiety. But the more I read about covert narcissism, the more it seems to fit the bill. Could be wrong, though.

I have very little desire for friends or to interact socially much at all. I prefer to spend my off-time alone, especially playing online games where my character is powerful, important and attractive. I have been this way pretty much my entire adult life, just bearing through social events and work, desperately waiting to just get home and submerge myself into fantasy land.

I had "social anxiety" from the very beginning of starting this job. I was nervous that in my uniform I look too fat, too ugly, and had anxiety about looking so terrible in front of others. I didn't want anyone to see me, I wanted to just hide in the back of the store.

I also find myself a bit hypersensitive to all the little things about people's body language and expressions. Yesterday I strolled past my manager on my way into the store and gave my usual artificially-sounding chipper "good morning". She looked half-awake and kind of stressed, and barely muttered a reply. I felt an immediate stab of anxiety in my chest and tried to forget it had even just happened. Again, the sort of thing I would always chalk up to social anxiety or BPD sensitivity.

All shift long I have a very hard time interacting with customers. They all seem like stupid, whiny, irrational crybabies to me (I guess ironically, since I am usually secretly wallowing in my own self-pity that I even have to be there). I can hardly stand most of them and wind up having violent thoughts about half of them. It's like a type of angry-anxiety that starts welling up and making it harder and harder for me to even talk. Like I'm gonna snap and go from "shy and sweet" and "homicidal lunatic" in 2 seconds flat if I don't manage to just shut down and go flat.

Like at one point I was stuck on the register with a long line of customers, and some guy came up to me to complain that the sugar canister by the coffee was empty. I was obviously very busy and instantly felt agitated that he was bothering me with such a trivial issue, as there were sugar packets still available. I calmly and politely told him that he could find sugar packets on the other side of the island. He seemed offended and explained that he shouldn't have to use packets, he should be able to use the canister. And heaven help me in that moment I just had an almost overwhelming urge to crack him in the face with my change dispenser.

Basically I've been wondering more and more lately if my "social anxiety" isn't actually a sort of cover narcissism thing. I am finding it increasingly exhausting to keep up my facade as the shy, really nice girl at work, when in reality I really just can't stand having to react to people's ridiculous needs for 8+ hours straight. Customer service is turning out to be like the worst fit for me ever.