Well, back in hospital again and though the purpose was not si orientated, a scare in the early hours of Monday has changed my perspective on things

As such 'I' (irrespective of others voicing concern) have decided that I need to curb what has been my main grounding technique for sometime. I negotiated a care plan with the ward consultant to help me do this.

With that said... Isn't it odd that when you try to stop something, some of what is going on around you heightens the desire or specifically draws your attention to it -

A friendship I developed on another ward (a bunch of us were moved after 3 weeks due to the special nature of the ward we had previously been on) had been a little insistant on questioning me about why I self harm and how... I refused to tell her, explaining that people have their own reasons, that it is very personal to them... And if she wanted my honest advice, I'd not even consider starting in hindsight as it's addictive + what starts off as small and occasional, becomes proggressivly worse and more frequent.

Well last night, she calls me at 1 in the morning to tell me she's smuggled some items onto the ward and had experimented so as to understand what 'I' get out of it... To make matters worse she started talking about going that extra step further... I firmly and calmly demanded that she hand the items to a member of staff or if due to nerves to wrap them in tissue and flush down the toilet, she relented and took them to a staff member. I've since spoken to her and brought up 'boundaries' - that at this time, talking about si is particularly uncomfortable for me and that for her and my self care, she really needs to talk to staff as 1. We're both in patients due to our inability to cope in the community right now and 2. I don't want to inadvertently being putting thoughts in her head when I'm having a wobbly moment.

The second issue surrounds my consultants demand that I isolate myself less and try to come out into the communal area... Well on doing for the first time, some random girl sat next to me, told me she'd had a bad night then lifted her jumper sleeve to show off 2 rather deep cuts on her wrists.. I must have given my blank look as she turned to speak to someone else... Inside though I was thinking 'wtf is this... Some test of jinx to test my resolve and commitment?