Things are heading south fast. Thanks for the comment, now I understand that the skin tissue doesn't have enough nervous system running through to give me the pain I need. I am in a really bad place, I see lots of veins under the scars I've been making, I'm drawing more blood everyday, HE want's to seriously harm me.

This is such a betrayal, I knew he was panicking so I(he) did it after the shower, he gave me extra cuts so I wouldn't be doing later, 2,3 pm was the time in the past. Of course it didn't work, I had the time before I head for work but didn't calculate the time to deal with the dripping blood. I still get this moment sometimes with this confused mind where I don't know what to do after I cut myself. I don't want a mess in my apartment, so this morning, everything dropped on the kitchen counter, I like to dry the fresh blood on my arm and keep it through out the day, the rest gets wiped off. This got me almost late for work this morning, I really need to watch out for this tomorrow.

In the beginning, they were all scratches. Later on, those blood just stayed on the skin, they weren't much. Yesterday when I missed the cut, for the next 3,4 cuts, I went back with much force, they bled enough. I don't watch my arm when I do it, somehow, this became my style. Blood, scars and the persisting pain, I do this for that order. Fine control is not achievable with this method, I just slash at it, and to cover the whole arm, I need to do this 3 times a day. Scars fades fast, but today, It may have been 2, I could be forgetting one more time. And these are not covering it all, I just want more. How do I know when I hit the vein? I can see my vein right beneath my skin, I could be hitting small veins already for all I know.

If I go deeper for the blood, I'd require stitches which is not an option. I already feel
how damaged the skin tissues are, so more cuts will make it just worse. For now I've sprayed perfumes, I rubbed on hand sanitizers, some perfume does better to give me tiny pain sansations for a few minutes at most, I don't know if it's the alcohol contents or the ingredients that's giving me more pain.

I get temptation every waking moment, my shift starts at noon. Plenty of time to sleep and I get so energized in the morning, this nice and slow morning reflection get fueled by caffeine and lately, it skyrockets my brain I'm panicking to manage the time, I don't wanna start cutting as soon as I get to work, so I do it, I make the time while I'm getting myself ready for work. The morning shower clean the wounds, yesterday's gone, knowing that I don't have the time to feel anything after I cut, I do it anyways. The rest of the work can be done later in the day.

Then after about 2 hrs into work, I'm still agitated a lot. I think about it. Today though, somehow my mood started to fall a bit, I was still trying to find the solution, the help that I need while watching the current fluctuation of mood all the time. I was trying to solve this from addiction angle, I did some work yesterday by jotting down my past addiction experiences, pot and alcohol. I suppose both case were mild by other ppl's cases, still, I needed to see what helped me get out, what sort of life I was putting myself in, I put them all down and my plan was fast forward the process somehow and quit with ease.

I didn't even open the notebook today, I just couldn't. What happened this afternoon was just horrific. I followed my own thinking and reached at one conclusion that my life just sucks. I'm usually a carefully asshole in a very good mood, the second I wake up in the morning, everything starts to shine, click and sparks in front of my eyes. Unless my brain's revved up like past 9 days or so, this is just fine even if some part of me knows that what I see is not the whole truth, my brain's doing its own preferred interpretations. It was harmless till today. Thought he was a good guy.

As the mood fell and the time came, I didn't think much of the mood I was in, I just came out of awful mind trip that I created, thought the new mood and my act was going to be a learning experience.

When the time came and no one was around, I picked up my tool from the desk and went to the adjacent room, a only room with a lock. The bandage I brought with me from home today, I took a look at it and decided that it was for an emergency, meaning to cover my blood woozing scars and to keep working. So I got myself a paper towel to wipe off some excess blood spill, Just note that I was feeling down, because my life sucked as bad as 5,6, even 10,20 yrs ago. No progress at all and there's no time for an improvement, I'll spend the rest of my life being this pathetic little **** like I'd always been. This was imprinted in my mind by the time I was ready.

The tool preparation was done through this unspoken order, I was just following it and it also commanded me to stand on this drain outlet that is as large as a storm drain. Sleeve rolled up, the humiliation began. The sad description of my life up until now was reminded, and I had to do it. Do it for I am a worthless person, and others out there are just living their lives, before all this, normal noises started to get to me, and there was also a guy on a cell phone talking loudly in a smoking canopy right next to me. All the working men and women who passed through my work space was getting to me and finally I decided it was time.

It was all lame excuses, they did nothing to me, I felt no ill feelings towards any of them today, no one annoyed me. Nothing at all but this evil, he was in command. From the moment I went into the room and locked the door behind, it was fast. I was moving like I was under a spell, a quick 4,5 cuts to bleed was commenced right in the middle of my right arm. The moment was a little intense, I wanted more, I wanted the whole arm to be slashed but I stopped. There was no panic, I was left standing there feeling the literary cold blood coming out of the cuts and trickling down the arm, past the wrist and dripping off at the tip of my pinky finger. I thought about changing the awkward position but the order was to keep standing there.

No one told me it was the punishment, I just resent the experience now, because of how it happened. And by whom. Although the red fresh blood was as beautiful as the day before, it was translated as me crying. This emontionless SOB may have been smirking somewhere I couldn't see, usually, this guy is in charge all day doing what he wants. The sad guy was brought back to the moment from the past, and I, who's typing this is another shadow who man this shell of a body after he's spent most of the energy and had fun for the day.

I was reciting this sad narrative to myself in a sad little voice, the blood kept dripping down the drain. I had to wait for the blood to stop and become coagulated, it took me longer than I anticipated it. A lot longer, I was spending time there for about 15,20 mins, I'm not sure. Eventually, the blood started to dry, still bright red, I had to get back to work. So I wiped off my hands and waited some more for the blood on my arm to dry up.

After the narrative had ended, HE started laughing. At first, I thought nothing of it, thought it was a good thing. I grew up, got out of the funky mood fast and got myself back. Cheeky, upbeat, funny or whatever self that has been supporting me, pushing me to better myself. I knew about his pretentiousness, sometimes he gets things so wrong, got me into serious trouble, but we got through them all. We don't coexist. We switch places and the laughter came in a flash.

Then I(he) stared to realize(tell) that this was all an act. His bad acting was a play game. You've heard what he made me feel and made me do today. Wanted to go further.

I knew this time was gonna come, around the same time last year, I was pondering the possibilities of me, myself becoming a guy who can make decisions, things weren't that great but I wanted to be the guy, I guess I was in a light suicidal mood back then too. I tried to believe in myself and this is what happened.

I don't know when exactly started to happen. I knew for a long time, that this divide of a human character was a reality, I almost accepted it without an ill feelings, that's that, we've experimented with a lot of things. By going off meds and letting myself go as high as I could go, I went down deep and revisited my painful past too, I hated myself so much, the words can't tell it all, thought it just stays in the past, never be brought back like today.

I believe that I don't forget anything, I just don't access that part of the memory, no undoing of the passage in the brain takes place later in life. You deal with it, digest it and move on.

So where was I? This deceptive mother****er is waiting to take my place in 5,6 hrs time. There was a few more things that I wanted to tell. I'm seriously afraid of this guys capabilities. I never dreamed of his mind trick from today, this recent delusional thinking may have come from him too. Not just a bad guy, he's nasty, cunning and whatever shows he's put on, they were great. I don't know what happened to him.

I stayed away, I didn't read anything while I was on the internet, out there at work, I was busy dealing with my own mind. This is just me, no one influenced me to do the horrible stuff he did. So I am afraid. Of my shadow.

(He's half asleep, could be still on a look out for what I'm doing here right now. I wanted to cut tonight, which never happened so far. I just feel his presence in my speech and thinking now.)

When I left work tonight and had to go through a security desk, I heard a vibrating sound like a cell phone. I didn't check to look, I thought nothing was there, somebody's bag or a lone phone on a table. I don't what it came from but as soon as I heard the sound, I got scared. And then after a 6,7 mins bike ride and came home, I turned the light on and saw my white cargo pants hanging in the room. That got me scared, it looked like a person when the light went on.

This is the update, I didn't really mean to post. The point is that this is not about the cut I recently started but the guy who's doing it. I don't think it's the right way to separate this guy in my mind, he freaks out everyday. He might wanna OD. The reason I said that is that's how I feel through out the day. I get drugged up first thing in the morning and go crazy, my mind usually don't go this high, blood cry? I was gonna do an experiment where I do all out crying my eyes out ,,thing by some means. He may have stole the idea there.

I'm the guy who takes care of the hungover. It wasn't fun, feeling groggy, light headed, and I was almost losing my balance a few times. I'm a working man, my job got saved, things should be a little bit better even if I count how traumatic it was to think that my job was ending, my life was ending. I have nothing to show on my resume, got no skills, there are other things that makes me a hopeless job seeker if I lose this current job. It was tough and my mind started to spin because I was delusional. I was ready to fight the last fight, I thought I was doing the living as it was supposed to be doing, which I neglected decades since I was born.

This guy, he's not whole. I don't know what he is yet, after what he did to me today though? The mystery remains, why now? I could be suicidal, closer to the real thing than ever before. The thought was there in the beginning. I started this all, to live, to keep the best part of myself that I worked on and made stronger. This is just a sad turn of an event and as of now, I don't have a slightest clue as to what my response will be.

I could be a liar, not a real person. Your reality can answer that for me.