(Trigger icon for mention of suicidal ideation/self-harm)

I was depressed as hell and couldn't find the energy to talk. I spend a large portion of the session in silence. He would ask me a question and I couldn't even conjure up the mental energy to answer.

We began to talk a bit about my SI and suicidal ideation. He knows that on three separate occasions last week, I made cuts on my wrist (not deep). Then he said, "I'm trying very hard not to get mad right now." I asked him why. He said, "I am not mad at you. I could never be mad at you. I'm mad that this is not enough to make you stop what you're doing. And I guess I'm mad at myself for not being able to make you somehow hold onto this connection outside of session." He asked me if he is allowed to get mad. I told him yes, very much so. Then I asked him why he said he is trying not to get mad-- why not just get mad? And he said, "Because if I really did get mad, I don't think that would benefit you or me therapeutically."

Then he said something that really dit it. He goes, "Remember, I can hold opposite feelings at the same time. Even though I am mad, I can still care about you very, very much."

I didn't even know what to do with that. It was overwhelming, and I told him, "Don't say that." One one hand it was amazing.. on the other hand.. it hurt. He asked why. I couldn't even tell him. I couldn't tell him how much him saying that made me want to be held by him, kept safe forever. I gave some fragmented version. Told him that when he says that I want to reach out, that there's too much space, that the feeling goes away when I'm not there. There's so much more, but I wasn't ready to say it.

He talked about being really concerned over the suicidal ideation, and frankly, I am very concerned as well. I have never experienced anything to this degree before. Then he mentioned the hospital. And that's when I started to cry.

It was the end of the session. He told me not to go. He sat forward in his chair tried to help me get to a safe place in my mind. I couldn't do it. Every safe scenario that I tried to imagine was being overrun by anxiety-ridden images.

He stayed there in that place with me, so present in the here-and-now.

I calmed down a bit and he told me that when I go home I need to play with my birds and create a safe place being with them... then write down all the feelings that went along with it and bring it in on Tuesday.

The sad part is that when I went home and went to play with the birds, I couldn't get to that safe place at all. I was at a loss as to what to do with myself. I ended up just laying in bed. This morning I played with them for a long time. It was nice. My husband was sitting there too. Maybe last night it was just too forced or all the emotion stirred up from therapy was too fresh.

One of my best friends from NY is leaving to go teach in Korea for one year. She called me last night and left a msg. that she wanted to come see me this weekend because she knows she's leaving pretty soon. I didn't even call her back because I don't feel up to having a visitor. You know what I hate? That my moods make my decisions for me-- I don't. I'm sure I will eventually regret that I didn't call her back and tell her to come visit.

This has been such a rough couple of weeks. It continues to be. I don't know what else to say. T mentioned meds. Very uncharacteristic of him to bring it up, but he knows that something else is going to have to happen because I can't go on like this.