Thanks, you guys. It was a long post and it felt good to get it out. As I am getting help through the county (free) visits with social worker don't allow a lot of time to just talk. I have had opps to speak with therapists in the past when I had insurance. I learned I need to avoid black and white thinking, to practice mindfulness, to establish emotional boundaries, to try not to identify with the ugly thoughts and emotions, but rather, challenge them...etc., etc. all good strategies for maintaining or trying to head off depressive episodes. Hard though on days when when I am just trying to breathe. Thank you, again for your compassion and encouragement.