Hi Takeshi,
(i like your nickname, the sound of it at least... does it mean anything?)

yes, TW=trigger warning. thanks for answering (to my other post too).

im not sure why you talk about addiction, i dont see my SH as an addiction, but rather as a choice. i do know that there is a part of chemical addiction (serotonin?) in SH, but i'd rather blame myself than chemistry. i prefer searching within myself too.

the "deal with myself" you talk about... i guess you hit the nail on the head. its all about that.

there is a HUGE part of me WANTING it and a little part of me (or more little parts of me) that think about OTHERS (external reasons) that make me not want it and reach out for help.
the huge part is animal. the little part(s) is(are) rational.
sometimes im not even sure i am real, my body is real and if it were for me only, i would go for it non-stop till the end. i wish i could.
but my little rational parts, usually still win the fight. the pleasure of giving in and satisfying my animal part screams loud, but the million of little voices of my rational part, all together scream louder.

"the life as we see it and the life we create as an escape".... im not sure i understand, but i find this quite similar to how i see myself as two me's. the me i show others and the me i live within. no one has any idea of what happens in my mind every single day.

how can others help us? it depends on what you mean for "help". me, i'd want to distinguish between HELPING and SAVING/CHANGING. sometimes i get them confused. is it something like that what you meant?

helping others see is good, but sometimes people dont want even that. they deny it all. "helping" to me, means being there without judgements and TRYING to understand and being supportive... showing you care. thats all i think others can do. am I making any sense here?

today i bought more stuff for my method/goodbye. im getting closer. i want to have it all in its place. then whatever will happen, will happen...