Hello everyone!

I am wondering if I can get some feedback from someone who understands what this title means? I call my bad days by the name "Bi-polar" day. It usually means
I'm having a bad time, or upset, or have been triggered.
Yesterday I sat with my 3 grandkids for most of the day while my daughter went shopping for school clothes. My eldest gr.child is Autistic, and requires attention 24/7. While
I understand SOME things about his dilemma I am fighting
my own as well. I do NOT do well with kids in general, although I like them. Kids, I mean. I am going thru some rough edges now that haven't quite gotten smoothed over.
Anyway, he gets intense and I go berserk....it triggers something in me and I get very angry. I keep having to remind myself that he's different from my own kids....not to
be too hard on him. THAT'S MY PROBLEM. I can't stop the
monster inside me!!! I'm so tired of dealing with it. I would sooner kill myself as hurt one of my grand children in a bi-p
episode!!! My quality of life is over, but his hasn't begun yet.
I feel sooooo depressed now and angry with myself. I have been crying for 24 hrs. and I can't forgive me for tossing that chair across the room narily missing him!!! I told my husband I can't be allowed to be alone with him babysitting anymore. At least, not ALL day things. I can't control my own actions at times, and babysitting is not my forte. Motherhood wasn't my forte, either. I was so MEAN when I was young..........and I don't even care anymore. This
is never going to be any better...........the MONSTER needs to DIE!!!!!!!!! Plz. can somebody help me????????????
Just tell me I'm not alone in my actions???? Am I the only one who has a violent streak down her back????