Hi Wanderlust90: Living in the moment is a skill that must be developed. It can take a long time. It has been said that enlightenment is a journey, not a destination. In this regard, I love the writings of the Buddhist nun Pema Chödrön. My main regret is that that it took me 65+ years to begin to figure out what it was all about.

I am familiar with suicidal ideation. I experience it daily... sometimes hourly. And I have been to that dark place, more than once. I'm glad to read that you are seeing a therapist, as well as a pdoc. I hope they will prove beneficial to you.

I send warm thoughts your way with the hope that you will be able to find that center of deep peace that resides in each of us...