Okay. You started at the beginning of this thread talking about your feelings towards your husband, which is immediate. Also, you noted your urge to cut was growing, and you felt afraid you would slip back. So those are two things I noticed in your original post. Also, you said: To make yourself feel uglier. To hide out in your ugliness? To feel safe? As far as a doctor getting annoyed when you go in for care, that sounds like, what?, she's maybe overwhelmed? You said it "seems" she's annoyed. You could just ask her. It seems like you are posting because you have so much going on and are trying to figure out what is best to do. I know that feeling. That is why I came on this site. I don't know if the sexual abuse is something that is happening to you now, or something from the past. So there is a whole lot going on in your post. A whole lot. Perhaps if you feel you are being listened to it may reduce these growing urges - for now - a little bit. So now you are here and you are being listened to. This is a safe place. You can say a little bit or a lot. I see you have many posts, so you know this. I am just telling you stuff you already know, right? Hugs.