there is one last strand of hope so fleeting that i'm chasing it, growing more and more exhausted as it keeps ahead of me... my really good psychiatrist is no longer able to see me anymore because he moved to another facility. he tried to work this weird problem with the administration there in terms of billing my insurance, but to no avail. so, i'll be referred to someone else. my insurance is not willing to pay for a treatment that i need that is fda approved - vns therapy (vagus nerve stimulator). i wonder if it's meant to be - that i should just live with my medication-resistant depression for the rest of my life. or should i zap my head with electroconvulsive therapy and risk having a memory wipe and more brain damage (i already have brain damage from a stroke 1 1/2 years ago at the age of 33). idk. i'm just hitting so much resistance to get better. don't mean to sound really hopeless. this little strand of hope (vns therapy) has kept me going, and i'm running out of options. once i run out of options, it's gone. i'm not sure if it's meant to be. i cannot experience any joy or excitement. wish i can get better so bad i'm willing to mess myself up further to do it, which would be totally ridiculous. but, if i can't get the vns therapy that i feel is safer than electroconvulsive therapy, i'm doomed because i need something that works. and that would mean electroconvulsive therapy. don't want to do it, but what do i have when my meds don't work for me?