Well, good for you - for posting and getting it out and onto paper. I am finding that posting is helping to loosen up the tightness in my own head so I can come up with new solutions. It's not easy. I am glad you brought up the thing about cutting to make yourself uglier so that you will be left alone and feel safe. You said you did this as a solution, but it's not the best solution because it creates more anxiety. So you have to keep thinking creatively, and come up with new things to try. I know others might immediately tell you what to do, but I don't think that is helpful because you need to empower yourself and take responsibility for your actions, and you can do this, and you need to know that others are listening. You need to know you are not invisible. You need to know there are other doors to go through, other ways to get out of your situation. For now that's all I can give you. Self-harming is not your only option. Please think. Keep posting.