Hi, Everyone!
I've been struggling with my self-esteem for as long as I can remember. I thought the only fix was to totally revamp my exterior, since that's all people saw -- nobody ever really got to me for who I am, but for some reason treated me like I was some kind of pitiful monster (honestly, I'm afraid to open up to people because I don't want to be doubly rejected). That being said, I've never considered myself pretty -- I hate looking at my reflection.
I've been on a weight loss diet for years, but I haven't lost a thing (well, I have actually; but I would quickly gain everything back because when I diet I'm really just depriving myself). In addition to being slightly chubby, I also have stubborn acne on my cheeks. However, just the other day I realized that everything I was putting myself was meant to be a kind of punishment because I had it in my head that the smaller the number on the scale the happier I would be, but would I really? Wouldn't I be sacrificing myself for some narrow idea of beauty? I realized that I would be: I don't want to feel bad for a cookie, I don't want to count every calorie I ingest, I don't want to feel like a failure for skipping the gym one day -- excuse my being cheesy, but I want to live freely.
The problem is I don't exactly how to do this. I know what I want -- to be comfortable with myself -- but I don't how to do it. How do I undo years of self-hatred? How do I begin to feel comfortable with myself despite everything I've believed for years? How do I make this change?

Sorry for the long post! Anyways, thank you for your advice!
Elle473

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