Hi
I have Avoidant Personality Disorder and Social Phobia to a degree that I don't leave the house unlike it's necessary (e. g. because of school) and I perfectly understand what you mean by "having no life". My lifetime record in friends is three at once. All friends I ever found I came to know because I was forced to interact with them for some time span (e. g. seating arrangements made by the teacher). I want to encourage you regarding to not having friends in real life. I had my first real friendship only when I was twelve. Even if it might take longer for you that might be due to the fact that you were unlucky with getting in contact with the right people and being forced to interact with them. The latter one was decisive for me because of my fear of intimacy (=sharing important ideas, feelings, thoughts) which is typical for avoidants. What you say about "not wanting a life" and remorse about not killing yourself sounds pretty conflicted. I know this as well. If you're a strange hermit who has problems showing warm emotions, people tend to be nasty over you or to be unfriendly because they believe you're "lacking interest in them" bc your arrogant/asocial. This makes you feel angry with your social environment and as well with yourself, bc you wonder why you always "**** up" with social situations...
Don't know if you can relate to that...
I'd love to get in contact with you. I understand your wish for friendship and would like to talk to someone in the same situation as me. Meanwhile, I'm German as well, so we could write in German outside this forum.